Flutter of Hope

Moving on...

2009-09-02T21:00:00.003-05:00

Life in the last few years have given me the time to actually believe and act upon my title. It was time for me to move on.

I won't delete the old blog. I firmly believe that it has a place in the blogosphere. From my own experience, I know that a voice that relates is so valuable during a difficult time and if I give anyone that comfort, well it was worth the pain. That dark time is over for me. I'm not saying that infertility doesn't hurt, it does. But the "wound" has a scab at this point. It is not raw. It is not exposed. It is healing with time.

Ironically in July when I was "let go," I was very uncertain about so much. The last two months have given me the opportunity to get back to myself. The person I liked. It makes me completely contended.

I hope you decide to join me. If you don't I understand as well. Wishing you all well.

Considering....

2009-08-04T12:27:00.002-05:00

what to do with this blog. I obviously have not been posting lately. It is most definitely not because I don't have anything to talk about. And it isn't that I don't have the time. I actually have been releaved from my duties as of July. (It really is a blessing.)

But, I don't know what to do with these words. I feel so far away from the situation that caused me to write them. I am no longer only infertile. Time has given me the blessing of realizing that it is only a part of me. It is a part that is painful at times, but a part of me that makes me who I am.

Yet, I feel a yearning to start a new, from scratch. What do you think? (Assuming anyone is reading?)

Pathetic

2009-03-02T11:27:00.003-05:00

I am a pathetic blogger. Honestly, my story has not changed in the last few weeks. Work is still taking a good part of my time. It is the same story, ironically I think I am getting used to it. If I get out at 6:30, I think it is a miracle! Maybe it is that I am making more time for myself by going to the gym. It really does make me feel better.

I have read/listened to some great books lately. To name a few:

A Thousand Splendis Suns (infertility mentioned) by Khaled Hosseini
The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
The Pillars of the Earth by Kenneth Follett

The two hours in the car is somewhat productive. But at the end of the day, I have had no time to read blogs or write. And I miss you all! Ok, so if you would, please write me posts with the latest and greatest of your lives. (If anyone is still reading.)

Did it again!

2009-02-04T07:59:00.001-05:00

I am so proud of myself. I went to the gym this morning again, and yes I worked out (smarty pants).

Hopefully, I can make it a habit.

For some reason, it makes work easier to deal with. Hmm...

So proud of myself.

2009-02-02T08:11:00.001-05:00

I went to the gym this morning!

I work to live.

2009-01-31T10:33:00.003-05:00

Over a decade ago, I made that decision - that I wanted a life, not a career that took over my life. I made the decision not to go to law school, because I know that I can't do anything half way. And that if I had gone to law school, I would be married to my job.

Instead, I pursued my paralegal certificate and decided that it gave me a good balance. But, don't get me wrong, I take pride in my work. I do my best always and take criticism personally, because I strive to be the best. As a result, I was given a reward for being an "exceptional" employee last year.

For the most part, I've been very happy with my position. I always was made to feel like a valued member of the team. My direct report and many others noticed my work ethic and the quality of my work, and always made me feel valued and respected. My position, would not work for most people. It is varied and in law that is very unusual. I work in this position, because it keeps me always busy and never bored. The topics are interesting to me and therefore I am willing to work through my ignorance of topics. But, I am far from an expert in all the areas of law I tackle on a daily basis. My training is in U*S* immigration. But, I am asked to focus on company formations, international corporate law, U*S* corporate law, outbound/inbound immigration, employment matters, etc. And that etc. means about anything and everything.

Since working under the new managment, I cannot say that I feel respected, a member of the team, or valued. For the last three months, the new GC only measures my value with my weakest area of expertise. I am sick of being berrated and humiliated. She talks to me so disrespectfully, in front of people, that I am brought to tears right now as I type these words. She holds me responsible for something that was started with the formation of the company 26 years ago. Something that I inherited, and that previous managements never made important until now! She conveniently ignores everything that I do right and makes me feel as if my termination is around the corner at all times.

On Thursday, we had a one on one meeting. She said,"I want to open the lines of communication with you." I said, "I ask a lot of questions, and very often you do not want to hear them. Instead, you act as if I am being insubordinate. But, if I don't ask, I won't get it the way you want it to be." She said, "I will try to be more patient." The very next day. In a department meeting, I was sharing information with her. I had acted on a past practice, and was being told that the new practice was to be the complete opposite. I was communicating what I thought was important and needed to be shared. Instead of being patient, and listening to me. She turns to the new attorney and says, "You deal with her."

To say the least, it left me feeling disrespected and unappreciated. Especially when my average work day is 10 to 12 hours long without breaks (except for the bathroom and heating up food). Commuting for 2 hours a day. I've been working every weekend, in order to get everything she expects completed and answering her emergency emails.

Yet, I am frightened to look for a new position. This economy terrifies me. While, T and I would be OK for a little while. I don't like to think what it would be like if I didn't have a job.

But, after days like I've been having, all I want to do is quit and tell her where she can go.

Ok, nothing more I want to say on this topic. Maybe tomorrow I'll post about some of the books I've been reading/listening to. (The commute is good for something.)

Aruba Photos

2009-01-31T10:28:00.004-05:00

Some photos, as promised.

Still Alive

2009-01-18T15:57:00.002-05:00

Not sure who is still reading this lonely blog. I can't even say that I've been reading. All I have been doing is working. I did have the pleasure of going to Aruba. Those were seven lovely days. Even if they were filled with events :).

One of our cars were stollen from the home we were staying in.
The house was broken into.
We went on the Jeep tour and our vehicle had a flat tire and lost it's transmission.

But at the end of the day, it was a great vacation. We had a lot of fun.

And as T's godson said, "We came, we saw, we broke it, and what was left they stole it."

(I'll try to get some photos uploaded soon.)

492

2008-12-06T09:08:00.002-05:00

Well, that is an overwhelming number, when you see it as your Google Reader count. But, that is my life at the moment. No time to do anything but work.

The other day, while driving to work, I thought to myself how ironic that I've shared so much of myself on this blog about my hoo-ha-ha, but nothing about what I do from 8 to 14 hours, Monday thru Friday (and sometimes Saturday and Sunday). And it is a bit ironic. Considering I felt a need to share information on daily draws and nothing about what I do, except for my title.

So, I think I need to share a bit. I am a paralegal, and have been one for about 8 years. My first years, I worked as an US immigration paralegal. I love it, but immigration is very personal to the client, so it is also very draining emotionally.

About four years ago, I went to work "in-house" for a international corporation. Along with immigration (US and worldwide now), I was focusing on employment and corporate. And I am the only person that does what I do in a rather large company. At the beginning, I was overwhelmed because of the knowledge I didn't have. But, I quickly learned what I didn't know and went from there. Three years went by quickly and leaving me feeling respected, in an environment that wasn't glamorous but comfortable and peaceful.

Then the acquisition happened, and all hell broke loose. My hours became chaotic. I was told it should get better. But, the reality is, it hasn't. Yesterday, I got to work at 6:30 am and didn't leave until 7:15 pm. I didn't eat lunch, and only got up to go to the bathroom. At the end of the day, I didn't get to some basic work and have over 400 pages to read this weekend for new matters that I am now helping with.

My new supervisor asked me how I was doing. And I flat out told her I am overwhelmed. She asked if it was the content. I told her it is the volumn. Believe me when I say, she said all the right things. But, I don't think I can physically and mentally keep up this pace.

T tells me that my previous position was not reality and this is real life. But, if this is real life, than I need to get paid more. Because I can work these hours for a law firm and make more money. But, that was before this economy.

I am afraid to make a move. One, at the end of the day, I truly enjoy my job and two, in this economy -- last one hired, first one fired.

Any assvice out there?

The insanity continues.

2008-11-20T12:50:00.002-05:00

I know, talk about something new! But, when you spend more than 10 hours a day in a place without any breaks....well you get a little single minded :).

Has been very hectic to say the least. The big move happens tomorrow and I have a half packed desk at the moment. And still have work to do.

Say a prayer.

The sad thing, tomorrow what I thought would be an early release for me (you know a reward). I have a meeting to attend -- teleconference. For something else. And Sunday, I'll probably unpacking so that next week isn't a complete and total waste.

But, Thanksgiving is in a week. It has turned into my favorite holiday. Giving thanks for the things you want and GREAT/FANTABULOUS food!

More of the same.

2008-11-13T11:30:00.003-05:00

Thank you to G**GLE Image for finding me the right photo. A chicken with no head. If you are interested in the article that included the photo. Check out.

So, my complaints regarding the place I spend more than 8 hours continues.

Thank you for your comments. Ironically, I started this job because it cut down my 21/2 to 3 hour commute into Boston. Isn't that ironic? That almost four years later and I find myself facing that same commute. Except, that past commute was positions that my hours were more consistent and involved a train ride(s). I know what it does to me. Overtired? Yes. Exhausted? Yes, both physicall and mentally.

Which isn't great that I am starting from that point. I am all ready mentally exhausted. Last week, I cried after being given a task that I had no idea how to complete it. It isn't the first time that I've been given a task that I had no idea how to do. Actually, I get a lot of those. But, it was the first time I cried in this job about it. By the way, it isn't the first time I've cried because of stress and work load. The last time, almost 5 years ago. (Not happy memmories).

Coumpounding the stress is that lately, I feel spastic. Before, the constant change and unpredictability of my job kept me interested. Now, I feel overwhelmed. And I know it is because the volumn. My hours keep on getting longer and I don't believe that will be changing in the new environment. Actually, anticipating it to be worse.

If I look at this objectively, a few steps removed from the situation, there are opportunities to be had. But, my position has its limitations. We will have to see. Ultimately, money will come to play. And my review will be early next year. Once the review happens, I will know if this is a permanent position for me (from my position as much as my employer). Or if it is time to move on. The ugly truth is that with so much transition, I don't feel steady - secure. Time will give me that knowledge, and I will have to go from there.

Obviously, if that is the vibe I receive, then maybe we can move closer to those offices. It work out in T's advantage too. But, with articles like this. I doubt that will be an option until late next year.

On a positive note, we leave for Aruba in less than 45 days! Very excited for that trip :).

So much to say....

2008-11-12T09:21:00.002-05:00

Yet, I don't know what I can say. See, I want to talk about the place I spend more than 8 hours a day. And how things are drastically changing. It is leaving me a bit anxious.

See my the environment is changing. Angry emails. Tert phonecalls. Drill sargeants for supervisors. At least they aren't my "direct" supervisors. But, the problem is shortly, I will be under the same roof as these people and it scares me, since I will not be shielded by the computer or the phone. Instead they will be able to see me and I them.

Which leads me to my anxiety over wearing the right thing. Shallow I know. But lets face it people, appearances matter. I've bought several new pants, tops, and a new coat. Seriously, spent money on clothing. Something I haven't had to do in 4 years in my casual environment. Can't wait to see the dry cleaning bills. I've actually bought Dr*ell to see if that is an option.

Which only antagonizes the fact that my pay is less than the lowest average. S*lary dot com is not always helpful. It makes you very aware of what you should be getting paid. But in this economy, who is to say what you should be getting paid? Oh did I mention that I barely get 10 days for vacation and the insurance and 4*1K matching is a joke.

My commute will be about 3 hours a day. Less time actually at home. And more money used to buy gas and audio books (bought several last night -- they were all on sale!). Will need to hire a cleaning person, since I will be home to sleep.

But what to do. The end of the day, I like what I do. Which is important. And I can't easily find another place that I would do what I am doing. I could go back to a firm. And I've started to think that might be the right option. Since I don't want to make a move unless I get a significant pay increase.

Suggestions? Thoughts?

I voted today, did you?

2008-11-04T08:45:00.003-05:00

I got to their five minutes before 7 am. The line was out the door, but it moved quickly. And I feel great that it is over with. I did my part.

Now, the wait. So excited about this election. May God Bless America.

Where do I start?

2008-11-03T13:37:00.002-05:00

The photos are from our short get-a-way to the Dallas/Fort Worth area to visit friends. We really had a great time. Actually, we got home last week. But, I did something to my stomach muscles while riding the horse. Who knew you had to "post" when you are "trotting"? Not this very beginner. The ride was loads of fun, and now I know. So the "next time" I will remember to "post," because that was a painful pull.

As a result, the exercising was put on hold. Actually, it was put on hold the week before, since work has been very busy. I did go for a walk today at lunch, and I hope to start that up again. However, that isn't promising since my co-worker retired on Friday. And we haven't hired a replacement. I fear that they may not, considering the CEO is desperately trying "to make numbers". So, my fingers are crossed. Did I tell you with her gone, I am the low man on the totem pole and in my experience, the person on the bottom generally has to do the work that "trickles" down? And that we are moving offices in less than 20 days? I anticipate that I will be doing the majority of the packing. My new commute will be twice as long.

So not looking forward to any of it.

But, I must remember that my anticipation is usually far worse than the reality. Must go back to work.

By the way, I am so excited about voting tomorrow! :)

Texas

2008-11-02T20:26:00.010-05:00

Last weekend, T and I went to visit friends in Texas. We had a total blast. Thought I'd share some photos.

A must read.

2008-10-30T09:35:00.001-05:00

If you haven't read this, you should.

Meme -- Tagged

2008-10-23T10:54:00.002-05:00

By LoriBeth of The Road Less Travelled . Thanks, I haven’t done a Meme in a long time and ditto.

The way this works: I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers. (But, since I’ve seen this on many others blogs, consider yourself tagged if you haven’t been.)

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Demanding
5. Your father? Reliable
6. Your favorite thing? Peace
7. Your dream last night? Panic
8. Your dream/goal? Travel
9. The room you’re in? Office
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Hell
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Travelling
13. Where were you last night? Shopping
14. What you’re not? Perfect
15. One of your wish list items? Retirement
16. Where you grew up? Massachusetts
17. The last thing you did? Work
18. What are you wearing? Sweater
19. Your T.V.? Scifi
20. Your pet? Cats
21. Your computer? Useful
22. Your mood? Excited
23. Missing someone? Sister
24. Your car? Toyota
25. Something you’re not wearing? Sunscreen
26. Favorite store? Marshalls
27. Your Summer? Busy
28. Love someone? Yes
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Sunday

An important image.

2008-10-20T13:02:00.002-05:00

After a conversation we had at my Aunt and Uncle's house, after a memorial for my cousin (their son) B. I came across this image and I wonder what he would think.

Go and click. It is one of the most important images I've seen in a long while.

It is amazing, what a few endorphines can do.

2008-10-09T13:06:00.002-05:00

So, after my minor breakdown. I decided to take a lunch break and go to the gym. Heck, no one is here so I don't feel guilty for being in my gym clothing and sweaty.

Actually, 2.5 miles later, I feel really good.

A few people asked me about my progress. Well, I think I have been doing well. So far, after a week and only meeting the 10,000 goal once, I've lost two pounds. Not bad :).

Only eleven weeks before Aruba and Christmas.

I found the best Christmas card. It may trump the baby ones. Santa snorkeling. Exactly what I hope to be doing on that day.

So many things that I could write about instead...

2008-10-09T08:32:00.002-05:00

but the one thing that seems to come out is my latest bought of infertility sadness.

Really, my blog represents me. And I've been to preoccupied to notice any infertility sadness for months. My feelings of happiness, well being, and contentment have been far out waying anything that is remotely sadness. Ironically, I thought I was ready to write about my depression of earlier in the year. How I got a speaking to by T, and somehow have been getting out of that funk.

But, just when I feel like I am doing better. I get whacked.

Four pregnancy and one birth announcements all at once. I guess the blows just get harder and harder. And the feeling of being left behind arises all over again.

Crap.

Just when I feel like I am getting over this bullshit, the evil forces of the world come to play.

Can't people just get pregnant and have children in the privacy of their own home and leave me out of it?

Err.

So frustrated.

Because if I were to get pregnant now, I would be angry. Rage would find a new meaning. But, it is still the one thing that I would love to experience. And that is the saddest truth of my life.

Good thing no one is in the office, since I am crying now. The tears are only several weeks late.

8,251

2008-10-03T09:42:00.000-05:00

After parking further from where I have to go, a fifteen minute walk, and two miles on the treadmill, that is all I got.

But, this morning, I felt it. Personally, I think that is a good sign. Even if it took me a while to get out of bed, I did feel like I had a flat tire.

Ironically, my car did. I luckily walked around the car and noticed that my right front tire was nearly flat. Took the car to the mechanic up the street and it turns out that I had a rim leak. Who knew those existed?

Like the tire, I feel better.

So today, I think I will do the same and go to the grocery store. Lets see were that leaves me?

My 10,000 Step Project

2008-10-02T12:57:00.002-05:00

Yes, it has begun. Today, I am wearing the pedometer and trying to find out what I walk "in an active day". So far, I've parked as far as I can from the office, and gone for a fifteen minute walk at lunch. I plan on going to the gym after work to, and walk on the treadmill.

By the way, 10,000 steps equals approximately 5 miles.

It seems like a lot to me. But, if that is what is needed to feel some progress, I need to do it. You know the old saying, shit or get off the pot. I really feel that is true. If you want to change something you got to do something about it.

So, with that said, the only two options that I can think of to increase my steps are parking further from where I want to get and taking walks daily at lunch. Obviously the gym is an option too, but I am realistic, that is not a daily option for me. And currently, there are no steps in my building or home.

I found this interesting article on the topic of weight loss and 10,000 step theory. Also, it has a good list of options on how to increase your steps.

How would you increase your steps? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Did I tell you I have to be in a bathing suit in 12 weeks?

What have I been up to?

2008-10-01T19:22:00.000-05:00

Well, were do I begin?

The new refrigerator is a good place to start. Do you want to see a photo?

Isn’t it pretty? As you figured out, it came immediately after me finishing “In Defense of Food.” And I immediately went to the store and filled the new refrigerator with all wholesome foods. Vegetables galore! My husband, the very next day filled it with practical snack foods. (Did I ever tell you we balance each other?)

To be truthful, like with most of my kicks with food, I have been half hearted in efforts and practice. But, I found something new that I thought I’d share:

The Cl*f Nect*r B*rs and as their site indicates, they are a 100% organic, 5 or fewer ingredients, and 2 servings of fruit. So saying all of that, I doubt my grandmother would of eaten it (no access), but it is still good for you and good tasting.

The newest fad diet that has made it to my attention, is the Fl*t belly diet. R*chel R*y was boasting about it and it got my attention. But, I couldn’t find anything on line without a signup requirement. Yesterday, when I was at the book store picking up a few more audio books (they are also my latest obsession), I saw a magazine about it.

It was interesting, very similar to the principles of the Z*ne, because they both require eating monounsaturated fats with every meal. The one thing that is easier regarding Fl*t belly is that they are more loose with the percentages of carbohydrates, proteins and fats. They simply stated to eat three meals of 400 calories with a portion of monounsaturated fats in each meal. (Obviously, very simplified.) And, they included in their list of monounsaturated fats dark chocolate. (So how can a girl resist?)

So, I’ve bought two bags of dark chocolate and eating one piece after lunch. I usually cook with olive oil, so that covers dinner. My only meal which I still need to figure something out with is breakfast.

Also, it made the point that people in order to maintain a healthy weight should walk a minimum of 10,000 steps, which equals about 500 calories, a day. Now, this is what made my jaw drop. I know that I don’t come near to that and even when I exercise. And that is when I realized my “problem.”

See even with all of the health conscious choices I make and the exercise program that I was diligently doing for several months, my weight remained the same. When I look at my past weight gain, it does have to do with my lack of physical activity. I used to work in a city and walked everywhere from getting to the office to getting something done for work. Now, I work in a small office and rarely have to leave my desk. That equals 8-10 pounds which I have not been able to get rid of. (I blamed it on the treatments, and they did come on at that time, but they didn't leave.)

T got a pedometer in a cereal box and I thought why not do a little experiment? So, today I am wearing the pedometer to figure out what my starting point is and then I need to go from there. My end result was 2,460.

The reality is that I know that I am not overweight. But, I would like to slim down a bit and to be more comfortable with what the scale reads. I also know that I am a healthy eater (for the most part, I will eat ice cream and cake, but in moderation). This was my breakfast and lunch for today (plus a Bliss Dark Chocolate).

If the answer is that I need to try to reach this target of 10,000 steps, to maintain a healthy weight, it is a goal to aim for and worth my while in trying. And maybe for me it is a better gauge than 30 minutes of aerobic exercise. Obviously I need a bit more exercise.

So maybe my obsession will change from food to increasing my steps. For some reason, I’d rather have that as an obsession, it causes a less adversarial role with something I love. Did I tell you the magazine had some great recipes? (I’ll share soon.)

Ultimately, in my opinion, fad diets aren't the best way of loosing weight. But, they always have some truth to them. (That is why I read them.)

Doing just fine.

2008-10-01T13:23:00.002-05:00

The previous post, a remembrance of sad times, but surprisingly I am doing just fine. No tears feel on that day or any days since. I spoke to my Aunt, B's mom, and I admit I swallowed some tears and there were moments of silence from me. But, I wasn't overcome with tears like in the past.

Maybe it is a sign that the sadness, when it is all mine (not drug induced), is a part of my heart, mind, soul, but a manageable part.

My happiness is far larger than my sadnesses. And I am grateful.

Double Meaning

2008-09-24T11:42:00.000-05:00

Last year, on this day, a double meaning sprang to this mournful day. It was the first anniversary of my cousin's death. It was the end of our pursuit of a child.

As I sat in a memorial mass for B, I cried. And it was as much for missing him, as it was for missing my unborn child(ren).

Today, I will remember them both again while I play the song that reminds me of B.

**At least my emotions today will be my own and not even slightly drug induced.**

I am alive.

2008-09-18T14:42:00.003-05:00

Yes, I apologize for falling off the face of the planet. It has been CRAZY at work. No end in site. Working long hours, doing calls from home, and there is more on my plate then I care to mention.

I did manage to sneak out today for an hour to run on the treadmill. But, I've been horrible on the work out front. Today was my first day back at the gym in a month. Yes, you read that correctly. I have been better on the yoga front. I only abstained for a full week from that. Goodness.

I do owe you several things:

1. Read Keeping Faith by Jodi Picoult.
2. Listened to The Last Lecture by Pausch.
3. Listening to Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov.
4. Last installment of why - Vanity.

Also, found a great book on Kundalini yoga that I am enjoying. And I had a lovely weekend in N*ntucket visiting my sister. Made a vow to visit atleast once a month in the summer. It really was perfect.

OK, that is enough for now...be back soon.

My Book Club Thoughts....

2008-08-29T15:32:00.002-05:00

Yes, another book. I finished it last night, In Defense of Food an eater’s manifesto by Michael Pollan. It was a quick read, but interesting and powerful. The realizations are not rocket science, but practical – perfect for the average person like me. And with a quote like: “the whole may well be more than, or maybe just different from, the sum of its parts.”

How could I not like it?

A few more tidbits that I enjoyed:

Did you know that before 1898, imitation butter had to be pink? And labeled. Anything that wasn’t a whole food had to admit it!

Senator McGovern in 1976 was not elected. The author suggested that McGovern’s advocacy to use food in the food pyramid may have angered a few people in the cattle industry. Interesting, very interesting – interests groups.

The book takes us through the history of “nutritionism.” I never realized how effected I am personally to this thought process. Yes, it may not come much of a surprise reading my blog. During my treatment days, I was very focused on not eating certain foods, eating the right ones and taking supplements that may help. I was looking for the “magic bullet.” To be honest, for the most part I am conscious of what I eat, but I still eat. If I want something “bad” I eat it in a small portion. I know that if I don’t squash the craving it will be much worse the next day. So when I was reading it and thinking in relation to the Zone (which I haven’t followed for 9 months). I thought, wow, I am so stuck in nutritionism – more than I ever imagined myself.

Pollan focuses very much on the metabolic diseases, so it did peak my interests since I am hell bent against getting diabetes or cancer or high blood pressure or heart disease. I feel that PCOS has taken more than it deserves when it comes to my health and the fact that it is a precursor (in my case) to all the above named diseases – I am a little health bent on getting ahead of those diseases.

To say I liked this book seems to be a bit of an understatement. I actually went as far as to type in a few key AVOIDS that I thought I would try to put into practice. Just to see how well it works. Also, I am interested in getting fruits and vegetables directly from a farm. (You should read that section, I am shocked, basically our fruits have been so fertilized and are so rushed that they have technically less nutrients than they had 50 years ago. This is the kicker, organic is not much better because it doesn’t mean that the standards are any better!)

It was very informative, worth the read, and makes you think.

On that note, enjoy your long weekend

My Book Club Thoughts....

2008-08-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

My late month book club chose, Baker Towers by Jennifer Haigh. A short synopsis:

Bakerton is a community of company houses and church festivals, of union squabbles and firemen's parades. Its neighborhoods include Little Italy, Swedetown, and Polish Hill. For its tight-knit citizens -- and the five children of the Novak family -- the 1940s will be a decade of excitement, tragedy, and stunning change. Baker Towers is a family saga and a love story, a hymn to a time and place long gone, to America's industrial past, and to the men and women we now call the Greatest Generation. It is a feat of imagination from an extraordinary voice in American fiction, a writer of enormous power and skill.

Did I ever tell you that I went to school in an old mining town? Sadly, fifty years after the last coal was removed from the area, and the town was still effected by the loss of that industry. However, this story had more to it than just the mining town. It focused on the Novak children. Like my Grandmother used to say of her own children, “No two were alike, just like her fingers.” (So you are bound to find one that you relate to or at least find interesting.)

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. To be honest, I almost missed how much I enjoyed this book (thank goodness for the book club!), because I enjoyed the next book so much!

Peony in Love by Lisa See has the privilege of being my first audio book. I actually shamefully picked it up because someone at early month book club recommended it, but it was also the cheapest one that I could find. Yes, I know – but I didn’t know if I would enjoy an audio book. It felt like a stretch.

After the first CD, I was hooked and remembered why I was a history major. I love stories, especially when they are shared orally!

A short synopsis:

“In Peony in Love the opera The Peony Pavilion by Tang Xianzu, The Three Wives' Commentary on The Peony Pavilion [1], and the theme of love all play important roles. Of the latter, See has said: "I wanted to explore different aspects of love: gratitude love, pity love, respectful love, romantic love, sexual love, sacrificing love, duty love, and finally mother love". [2] See also states that The Three Wives' Commentary had a special influence on her as she researched the large amount of writing done by Chinese women in the 17th century, most of it largely unknown today. "Then I came across The Three Wives' Commentary -- the first book of its kind to have been published anywhere in the world to have been written by women -- three wives, no less. With that, my interest turned into an obsession". [3] The three wives of Wu Ren in the novel -- Chen Tong (Peony), Tan Ze, and Qian Yi were, in fact, the real women who wrote The Three Wives' Commentary. [4]”

The story is beautiful. In the beginning you are introduced to Peony a teenage betrothed girl turning 16 in 16th century China. She is cloistered and the only child of a first wife. Peony is adored by her parents, and is granted privileges by her father that are not socially acceptable. For example, he allows for a play to be performed for Peony’s 16th birthday. A forbidden affair, since unrelated men will be present. From there Peony, well a lot happens and we see her life unfold. It truly is beautiful. I maybe one of the best stories that I’ve heard in many – many - many years.

What is next? Actually “In Defense of Food” by Michael Poulton. Very interesting so far. Also, a book on McCain and another on Obama. Yes, my book club decided they wanted to learn a bit more about the pair of Presidential candidates.

Should be interesting :).

My book club thoughts...

2008-08-28T15:38:00.002-05:00

I guess I have been busy reading, just not posting about it. (By the way, my next post will also be about books.)

The Gathering by Anne Enright was read as the result of my early month book club. Our leader decided that it was time to read a book from the Irish genre. Ironically, I didn’t know that there was anything of the sort. But, I was up for anything and after hearing the synopsis we decided that we had to read it!

“A dazzling writer of international stature, Anne Enright is one of Ireland’s singular voices. Now she deliver The Gathering, a moving, evocative portrait of a large Irish family haunted by the past. The nine surviving children of the Hegarty clan are gathering in Dublin for the wake of their wayward brother, Liam, who drowned in the sea. His sister, Veronica, collects the body and keeps the dead man company, guarding the secret she shares with him --- something that happened in their grandmother’s house in the winter of 1968. As Enright traces the line of betrayal and redemption through three generations, she shows how memories warp and secrets fester. As in all Enright’s work, her distinctive intelligence twists the world a fraction, and gives it back to us in a new and unforgettable light.”

Well, everyone in the book club agreed, it was a complete and total bust. Not one of us enjoyed one iota of this non-cohesive, fragmented, confusing, sad novel. It was hard for me to find one good thing about it.

The one piece that I liked - the wake scene, I actually enjoyed reading that to a certain extent. It was my first introduction to an Irish wake and it was very interesting. How it was held at home, how the family never leaves the body, and how it is a social gathering.

Otherwise the main character and narrator Veronica completely did not appeal to me nor did the story have any rhyme or reason. It was totally and completely fragmented. And we believe may be the point of the story which is about sexual abuse. However, it failed to make a point. But, maybe that was the point? I'm still confused.

Enough of that, I also read, Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama. I picked this novel up months ago. I knew that it discussed Obama’s family history and that it was written after his studies at Harvard. To be honest, I wanted to read to know more of what made this man tick (for obvious reasons). The synopsis:

“In this lyrical, unsentimental, and compelling memoir, the son of a black African father and a white American mother searches for a workable meaning to his life as a black American. It begins in New York, where Barack Obama learns that his father --- a figure he knows more as a myth than as a man --- has been killed in a car accident. This sudden death inspires an emotional odyssey --- first to a small town in Kansas, from which he retraces the migration of his mother’s family to Hawaii, and then to Kenya, where he meets the African side of his family, confronts the bitter truth of his father’s life, and at last reconciles his divided inheritance.

I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was less of a memoir and more of a story. Obama had me enthralled. It truly is his journey to realizing who he is and the introduction to “Audacity for Hope” (which I have no intent to read). But, his journey to realizing himself is beautiful, circular, eventful, and worth the read.

I don’t want to say too much for fear of giving too much away. However, his struggle was palpable and I am glad that it is resolved for him.

Ironically, both of these authors were reviewing their past to come to a conclusion on their present. The first was so negative, that it simply lost me. But, the second was very matter of fact in the situations (and as a result the events were neither good nor bad). And as a result, the story unfolded beautifully, hopeful. If Obama doesn’t become President, I like to see him write some more.

Update

2008-08-27T12:15:00.002-05:00

I am sorry that I have been MIA. Life here has been crazy, so let me start from the beginning:

1. Work. I basically have a new job with the same salary and benefits. As of now, I still report to my direct report, however CHANGE is the big word for work. So many changes, that it has my head spinning. To add to the stress, my office is moving. My once manageable commute of an hour and half (total) is turning to three hours (total). Yes, you got that right - it is doubling. Gas prices anyone? Not to mention that the attire will be changing - not necessarily a bad thing, but in the last three and half years I saved so much on dry cleanning. And now that is changing as well.

The good news is that the new company has many possibilities. And I've promised to give a year and see where it takes me. Afterall, I really do love my job. It is just that I see so many changes, that I wonder if my job will be still the same.

2. Refrigerator. Basically, we had a tax free holiday. We decided that it was time to replace our twenty something year old fridge. On the Friday before the weekend we went to S.e.a.r.s and found a lovely fridge. I provided the clerk our new information, from the last time we made an appliance purchase and requested a Saturday/Sunday delivery.

Well, you guessed it. A complete and total FUBAR. The clerk didn't give us a weekend delivery date which I justified that there more than likely wasn't any left. So, I decided to work from home until the fridge was delivered today. Well, last night I realized there was a problem when I didn't have a message. The clerk didn't update our current telephone numbers or have our unit number listed on the receipt. Basically the delivery people don't know where to deliver the fridge. And I have called and provided the information three times thus far. I am thrilled. They already tried to make the delivery once.

Oh and did I mention that muckity mucks are in the office today looking for me.

I've been answering their questions via email. But seriously, I'd like to make a good impression to make sure I still have a job to pay for the fridge.

Err.....frustrated.

By the way, I am behind on my fitness report for last week. You guessed it, more Yoga. But I think I only managed the required three days - if that. I should do it everyday considering how much stress I am currently feeling.

And I did try the audio books which I really enjoy. It reminded me why I was a history major - story time! I love it. I am almost done with "Peony in Love" by Lisa See. I'll provide a review along with the others. Maybe this weekend.

I am so excited for the long weekend. An extra day off. I cannot wait.

What's for dinner?

2008-08-21T07:00:00.000-05:00

The latest and greatest:

Balsamic Glazed Pork Chops by Rachel Ray 365: No Repeats

2 tablespoons cold unsalted butter
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil (EVOO)
4 1-inch thick center-cut pork loin chops
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 small onion, chopped
1 tablespoon fresh thyme leaves, chopped
1 sprig of fresh rosemary, chopped
3 garlic cloves, chopped
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar (eyeball it)
2 tablespoons honey
1 cup chicken stock or broth

Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat for the chops. Add 2 tablespoons of the EVOO (twice around the pan). Season the chops with salt and pepper, then add to the hot skillet. Cook the chops for 5 minutes on each side.

Transfer the chops to a platter and cover with foil. Return the pan to the heat and add the remaining tablespoon of EVOO and the onions, thyme, rosemary, and garlic, then saute for 4 to 5 minutes. Add the balsamic vinegar, honey, and chicken stock. Cook until the liquids have reduced by half.

Once the balsamic glaze has reduced by half, turn off the heat and add the two tablespoons of cold butter. Stir and shake the pan until the butter melts. Add the chops to the pan and coat them in the balsamic glaze.

The recipe was easy enough. My only complication was that our pork chops were larger than 1 inch and took longer to cook. Also, instead of cooking the pork chops on the stove, I'd rather broil. Then transfer the liquid to the reduction.

Also, T actually cut the chops in half to make it easier to glaze.

It is definitely another recipe for the arsenal :). Overall, very yummy!

Marching with the Barren Bitches Book Brigade--Tour Fourteen

2008-08-17T15:40:00.000-05:00

This is my first Barren Bitches Book Brigade. I am so excited to finally talk about Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert!

I absolutely adored this book. It had me hooked from the beginning. Even with a few bits that threatened to loose me, I felt overwhelming at home with this book. It could have been that I simply related to Gilbert. And the times I didn’t she made me laugh out loud.

To the questions:

What is the word that defines your city? workplace? home? yourself? Why?

History defines me and my city. I live very close to Boston. And I identify very much to the city. It is the beginning of the Revolutionary War. It has the cobble stones and old building mixed in with the new and modern. It attempts to be contemporary while maintaining its past.

Which of the three sections of the book -- Eat (Italy), Pray (India) or Love (Indonesia) -- could you most relate to & why?

At this point, I don’t think that it is a secret that I’ve been searching for gratification. And I love to eat. So, Italy was the section which I most identified with, also the place I long to visit. The descriptions of the food had my mouth watering.

Taking this question one step further, ironically the section in India I related to the least. But, it is because I love yoga, but I don’t use it to pray. I don’t relate the two. And the section that almost lost me was this section. There were descriptions of transcendence and spiritual connections – which out of my realm of comprehension.

In chapter 25, on page 75, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about how "the Augusteum in Rome warns (us) not to get attached to any obsolete ideas of who (we are), what (we) represent, whom (we) belong to or what function (we) may once have intended to serve." Through our struggles with infertility and/or loss many of us have had to revisit our ideas about what our life would be like and who we thought we were supposed to be. How have your ideas about your identity and purpose in life changed since your began your journey to have a child(ren)? Have you been able to make peace with your new found identity and/or purpose if it doesn't embody the dream you originally had for yourself at this point in your life as an adult and/or parent?

Since deciding not pursuing treatments or adoption, I’ve been struggling with my new definition, identity, wants out of life. The passage spoke volumes to me. It shows with a place how I feel in many ways. The passage of infertility made me feel that my body was aging and decaying. With the passage of time, I feel better in my own skin, that the age and decay, may just be another element to my history. To where I have been.

Personally, at this point, I feel that I am beginning to undergo renovation. As I am taking more interest in the corners of my existence – nurturing other parts of me.

As you can tell, I adored this book. So if you don't believe me, hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens.

Fitness - Being Fit

2008-08-16T13:00:00.001-05:00

Yes, you must be thinking, when did this blog become weekly updates on exercise? Well, I promise I have more to come. In the next few days you'll see my thoughts on Elizabeth Gilbert's book - Eat, Pray, Love - and a new recipe! Also, I did finish two other books which I need to update you on, The Gathering by Anne Enright and Dreams of My Father by Barrack Obama. Not to mention everything that is going on at work. Oh what fun!

But, today a fitness report. This week again was less about physical exertion and more about calming my mind. It was a very stressful week and as a result:

Monday: Yoga
Tuesday: Yoga
Wednesday: Yoga
Thursday: Yoga
Saturday: Yoga

See a theme?

Like I said, today is a continuation of my why. I believe the best way for me to put this is to take a quote from Jen Lancaster, I want to be a "fit bitch." Now, I will say, as previously disclosed, I am not overweight. But, I would not call myself "fit."

And I know that means very different things for different people. So let me attempt to explain, I will always be asmatic, therefore running will involve my inhaler etc. But, the fact that I can run. Well, that is my estimate of being fit. As well as being tone, healthy, and in shape. Yes, that is a high order. But, that is what I want.

The years of infertility treatments have left more scars than I care to mention. The biggest one is an accute awareness of the inadequacies of my body. The extras that I am not proud of, etc. Infertility also made me feel the failure of my body. Therefore coming to peace with it, involves becoming proud of it again. And the only way I can think of becoming proud of it, is to be comfortable in a bikini, at a beach, where other people know me.

Ahh, but that is next week's topic. Vanity.

I promise to make some time to update on life's events. But, I have a feeling that it will take me some time to find the time. I will leave you with this question, does anyone know of any good services for books on tape? More specifically a rental service for audio books - preferrably on CD? Thanks!

Fitness - Aging

2008-08-10T12:01:00.001-05:00

This week, I would call it less successful. Work was crazy. I had to prepare for my mother’s big birthday. And I wanted to spend some time with T. As a result, exercising took a back seat. But, I did manage to still hold up the three workout rule and they were:

Tuesday: Yoga
Friday: Yoga
Saturday: Yoga

(I needed the nirvana feeling.)

As promised the Whys - Ageing is my first reason. It is an ugly and scary thought to think what becoming older can mean.

Let me preface this by saying I am not afraid of being older. I think with age comes respect and some comfort of knowing who you are, were you have been, and where you are going. I like to think acceptance with it all also comes with age. So in many ways, I think it can be a blessing – it is much needed time. However, I am afraid of looking and medically feeling older.

Looking older is complete and total vanity. I know that. It is the fear of wrinkles and what they mean. Not necessarily laugh lines. I actually think the right amount of those are attractive. Heck, it shows that you have laughed often. It is the aging with out a purpose. I know it is vanity and a fear of being discriminated against. Beyond using a good moisturizer, eye cream (just started this year), and sunscreen – I’m not really willing to do much else. But, having someone look at me with a thought that I’ve outlasted my usefulness doesn’t give me the warm and fuzzies.

The medical complications of getting older terrifies me the most. The cost and the mediocre health insurance that is becoming the norm doesn’t help the situation. When I think that I have PCOS and all the possibilities of getting diabetes, heart disease, and cancer, it doesn’t exactly give me peace of mind. But, these are all diseases that I would rather fight then get.

Then there is the issues of old age like the ability to walk. I intend to make sure that I am fit enough to do so as long as I can. My much adored paternal grandmother had a difficult time doing so from an early age. It had to do with weight, her sciatica (which I’ve inherited), and poor circulation.

Getting old is one reason to attempt to stay fit. Especially when you read articles such as this one about yoga. I hope that it is the fountain of youth.

Ultimately, I am hoping that becoming fit will add to my arsenal.

Fitness Report - The Why.

2008-08-02T13:00:00.001-05:00

Recently, I realized how crazy my blog may seem. Granted I did post about my evolution. Lately, it was more than that it is my deliberate attempt at being happy and reforming my thought on who I want to be. And it is working. I feel more content and slowly am invisioning someone other than what I thought I would be as a 30 something.

Part of that new vision is being fit. Hence, the weekly fitness reports. Oh, before I forget. Lets get that over with - this weeks fitness report:

Sunday: Yoga/Pilates (Stomach)
Monday: Eliptical/Bike/Yoga
Tuesday: Two Miles on the Eliptical (Under 25 Minutes!)/Pilates (Stomach)
Thursday: Yoga
Saturday: Pilates

Not bad.

Back to business.

Ultimately I have three reasons to why I am pursuing fitness, they are:

1. Aging;
2. Fitness; and
3. Vanity.

And they are actually all tied to eachother. But, they are also seperate. So I'll talk more on those topics later. Now, I got to go and be happy.

Crazy thought?

2008-08-01T15:01:00.004-05:00

So, after the my Book Meme, I was thinking that I would like to read most of those books. And wouldn't it be cool to say you did it? Granted there are a load of books there and it could/should take years. But, wouldn't it be cool to make it a challenge?

I joined Shelfari after seeing cool bookshelves on other people's blogs. (Yes, I am that lame that joined because I wanted the widget.) But, I am really enjoying it. It would be a great tool to discuss our progress on a challenge such as this one. Especially it would allow for discussions on the books and even swapping the books.

I could set up the group.

Thoughts? Takers?

Did I tell you that one of The 100 Simple Secrets to Happiness is Read ;D?

A book meme.

2008-08-01T07:00:00.001-05:00

I saw this over at Loribeth's and Erin’s blogs. On this list of books, I've bolded those that I have read -- those that I love are in GREEN -- and books that I plan to read are GREEN and italicized.

Apparently the average American has only read six books from this list. I do love being above average. : )

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible (I have read parts of it, does that count?)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy (I tried. Really I did.)
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving (I love all of John Irving’s books.)
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel(It has been sitting in my to read pile.)
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov (I’ve been looking for a copy of this book since reading “Lolita in Tehran”.)
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell (brilliant)
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad(I hated it. It was for high school.)
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery (In French – May explain why I don’t remember it.)
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (I read this in high school and I adored it.)
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

2008-07-31T13:18:00.005-05:00

I saw this on Pam's site and wondered what the Irish Tarot cards would come up for my question -

Will I be Happy in my future?

This has been a question mulling over in my mind for some time. And there is a longer post brewing on the topic. For the most part, I am currently happy. But, I can't say that wasn't hard faught for or easy. I've been thinking what I can do to make it easier. What I can do, to make it permanent. Like I said, to long for today. So the answer I got from the fun game:

The OPPORTUNITY

8 - Strength
Courage and inner fire

You have the opportunity to develop your inner fortitude, which is the unseen blessing of difficult times. When you face your fears, an unpleasant situation or an inner truth that you don't want to acknowledge, you develop the courage that allows you to persevere during chaotic, stressful times. If you've never before been tested, you may be surprised to discover a wild source of strength you didn't know you had — like a woman giving birth alone in the wilderness. Afterwards, you will be changed, and your sense of personal power will grow. Others will see it in you and call it "charisma." Your inner fire will be awakened, and it will never again go out.

The CHALLENGE

11 - Justice
Karmic balance

You are being challenged to face the consequences of your past actions, which may be positive or negative. This is a card of cause and effect, of karmic balance. You are held accountable for your choices and actions — you will reap what you have sown. Examine the values that you live by, and your motives. It is best to act with integrity in all that you do. Perhaps a conflict is about to be resolved in your life, or a legal matter brought to closure. Or perhaps you must deal with the negative consequences of past actions that were less than honorable. You may be coming to an understanding of your place in the web of life, and of how far-reaching the consequences of your actions can be. It may be time to take a stand for social or environmental justice in your own neighborhood or on a global level. Each of us has a responsibility to leave this world in better shape than the way we found it.

The RESOLUTION

14 - Temperance
Combining opposites

Resolution comes with finding the serenity of the middle way between polarities. You are ready to embrace the different parts of your personality, both light and shadow, that combine to make your own unique self. Your inner, spiritual life harmonizes with your life in the workaday world. You have discovered that your whole life is a work of art. You may be in need of healing on a spiritual or physical level, and the Winged One — a descendant of the ancient Bird Goddesses — is here to facilitate that for you. She may also aid you as you move into the role of healer yourself.

My interpretation: You will be if you try to be. But, what do you think?

Fitness Report - Yoga

2008-07-29T15:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm a little late on disclosing my latest week of fitness, so here goes:

Sunday: Yoga
Thursday: Bike
Friday: Yoga

As I did yoga twice, I thought it would be a good time to talk about my practice. I started practicing yoga formally in January 2007. (But, I had done tapes long before this initial class. My favorite continues to be Rodney Yee.)

My counselor propelled me to seeking a class. She thought that it would help me relax thru treatments, aid my anxiety (that developed after my cousin died), and be something that I would enjoy.

She was right on all counts. Most of the time yoga made me feel like:

Completely and totally zen - at peace - grounded. No matter how sad I was, or bloated (from the injections), nauseous, troubled - I was glad I had attended. A few times I found myself dosing during my pranayama (breathing) and meditation practice. My classes in the Kripalu tradition opened the door. Please know that during many asanas (poses) I feel at times like this to:

But overall - I am zen.

Since the craziness at work in the beginning of the year, I haven't been back to class. My schedule was just to up in the air for the last six months and it is difficult to swallow paying for classes that you don't use. But, I've missed yoga tremendously.

Also, I know (from going to class) that I need to establish a daily practice. There are too many benefits to yoga for me that I would be remiss if I don't start doing it at least every other day. I simply feel more centered. The physical fitness is secondary when it comes to yoga. For me the stillness of my mind is nirvana.

So two weeks ago, I found the beauty of the OnDemand fitness classes. And this last week, I found a yoga book on deep discount at Barnes & Noble called Yoga for Everybody: Simple Routines to Reduce Stress, Improve Fitness, and Make You Feel Good at Any Stage of Life. by Paul Harvey.

I really enjoy this book. It explains pranayamas (breath) and asanas (poses) in great detail. But, in my opinion, the best part are the various practices! And that has what I've been enjoying for the last week.

I also found a yoga class closer to my home held on Saturdays - which is a good option for me as well.

It feels good to delve back into my practice. To you all - Namaste!

ABBA the Tour

2008-07-28T08:42:00.002-05:00

On Friday night, I went with a couple of friends to see ABBA the Tour. No it isn't the original group. The concert has some original "guest" ABBA musicians and a other members who do the vocals. They are fairly good. By the way, the custumes were all original. They had to be! If only I had my camera.

It was a fun night.

What I'm Doing Tonight?

2008-07-25T07:00:00.002-05:00

Need I say more?

Maybe I do. I'm going to see them in concert tonight. Very excited. I do plan on seeing the movie and will definetly report back when I do. :).

If you were wondering....

2008-07-23T11:38:00.001-05:00

This comic explains it all.

Fitness Report

2008-07-20T12:04:00.004-05:00

This week was a mix bag. Work was stressful as predicted, and next will be worse. I know if I think it will be, than it will be. In this situation, no amount of positive thinking will change it. I know - very defetist.

Truth be told, I am trying to be more open about what will be next week. The good news is that it is almost done. By the end of the month, if everything goes right - this will be over. Ironically, it (all the work) may be for all for not.

The latest bit of stress is that I know in the next round of revisions there will include a list of individuals will be given a bonus and a list given the ax. It is a bit stressful on both counts. Considering the first, will be a bit more of a slap in the face if I'm not granted some type of bonus and the second - well - it may be a relief. And both of these things may not happen - since it still needs to be approved and all.

So to counter the stress, I did:

Monday: The eliptical for two miles.
Wednesday: A crazy contraption called the Cybex for a mile with weight.
Thursday: Yoga from OnDemand.
Saturday: Yoga from OnDemand.

Not bad, considering I was/am a bit sore - especially in the hamstrings and quadriceps. But, I am feeling relief from the stress once I finish.

On Monday, I also started Such A Pretty Fat by Jen Lancaster. It is hysterical - literally laughing outloud funny. And a book about fitness. Not traditional in any sense, but in my opinion, in a good way. As a girl who loves to eat, dieting is not easy for me. Jen makes me feel OK and does give me a big hug when I decide to eat this heavenly and horrible treat. (I had intended to finish this book this weekend, but I left it at the office in my gym bag. So, maybe Monday I will use the bike and finish the book?)

As a result of leaving the abovementioned at work, I picked up and finished this very well done short book - 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by David Niven, Ph.D.

It is exactly what it states. David Niven provides 100 Simple Secrets, a short story, and a scientific reference. Some of my favorites:

1. Exercise
2. Think in Concrete Terms
3. Keep reading

I wonder why I like those so much :).

By the way, in the spirit of trying to keep up with my exercise, I'd like to put my goals into writing or concrete terms.

It is my goal to work out a minimum of three days a week. This may include any physical activity including running, walking, biking, yoga, weights, etc.

Lets see how well this goes, especially in the chaotic week that is lying ahead of me.

As I just wrote that I am still smiling.

What’s for dinner?

2008-07-18T07:00:00.003-05:00

This month’s feature is a tried and true. I first mentioned this recipe a long while ago. It was a recipe that I fell in love with for its simplicity and tastiness. So, let me introduce you to Feta Topped Chicken:

Prep Time:10 min
Start to Finish:25 min
Makes:4 servings
4 boneless skinless chicken breast halves (1 1/4 lb)
2 tablespoons balsamic vinaigrette dressing
1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1/4 teaspoon seasoned pepper
1 large roma (plum) tomato, cut into 8 slices
1/4 cup crumbled feta cheese (1 oz)
1. Set oven control to broil. Brush both sides of chicken breasts with dressing. Sprinkle both sides with Italian seasoning and seasoned pepper. Place on rack in broiler pan.
2. Broil with tops 4 inches from heat about 10 minutes, turning once, until juice of chicken is clear when center of thickest part is cut (170°F). Top with tomato and cheese. Broil 2 to 3 minutes longer or until cheese is lightly browned.
High Altitude (3500-6500 ft): Broil chicken about 15 minutes. Top with tomato and cheese. Broil 1 to 2 minutes longer.

Instead of plum tomatoes I used vine tomatoes. I usually use two beef tomoatoes. Also, I use two to three slices of tomato on each piece of chicken and the entire package of the feta. In addition, I generally marinate the chicken with the balsamic for a minimum of 30 minutes.

Again, it is super easy – hence why I can make it – and always a success!

Enjoy!

My Book Club Thoughts

2008-07-15T14:52:00.006-05:00

I’ve been doing a little bit more reading - both on my own and for book club. By the way, if you are looking for cheap books, with one low shipping and handling fee; I highly suggest using Overst*ck. I am so impressed by their overall service. However, when I received a follow-up email asking for a review on a book! (A great idea, considering I am very unlikely to provide one unprompted.)

The book which they prompted me for a review, Exposing Darwinism’s Weakest Link by Kenneth Poppe, will unfortunately be receiving a thumbs down from me. I read a review by My Friend Amy, her opinion was much kinder than mine.

To be honest, this isn’t my cup of tea. As a public school student (yes I went to a Jesuit University, but I didn’t frequent the science labs all that much), I wonder what my view on the creation of the world would be considered creationism or Darwinist? And this is why I was interested in this book. Also, several years ago, I read a science-fiction book called Footprints of God by Greg Iles. (I would categorize this book very science fictiony.) That book solidified my opinion on evolution/creation of the world. Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds. But, if you consider that I also am using my knowledge of Genesis and Darwinism into that context, it may explain my thought.

Ultimately, the reason I was most turned off by Exposing Darwinism was the author’s negative tone. Through out the book, he cannot mask his distaste for Darwinists. (And it may be a reaction to how Darwinists treat Creationists.) But, after page 200, I just couldn’t read it any more – I get it - you don’t agree with the Darwinists.

Sadly, I am still confused. Ultimately, I do believe that God had to do with the creation of the world, but I also believe the Darwinists (Big Bang and evolution). (Who is to say God did not use Darwinists theory of the Big Bang to start the process? Who is to say that God created the world in human 24 hours? How do we know how God accounts for time? Thousand, Millions, and Billions of years may pass in a blink of an eye for God. I don’t presume to know.)

Also, the book makes it all or nothing. Meaning the Darwinists or Creationists couldn't be partially correct. In my opinion, I understand the pretense of either God was involved or not is a large part of the difference of thought. But, in my opinion, it also leaves room for partial credit. I think I can go on and on. At the very least, this novel did make me think.

Enough of that and on to a more enjoyable novel, Sea Glass by Anita Shreve. This novel was picked by my book club long before I joined. And when I saw it on the list – I knew that I found the book club for me. I am a fan of Anita Shreve. This is actually the second time reading this novel, and the fourth novel that I read by Anita Shreve. She always spins a lovely tale.

Sea Glass is set in New England in 1929. It focuses on the lives of six main characters during the stock market crash and great depression. In light of today’s headlines of bank runs, lowest values of the US dollar, and big business trying to keep up their stock by laying off many ; this story is very apropos of today.

The story from the start will draw you in and will keep you riveted until the end. I highly recommend it!

Help by clicking!

2008-07-14T15:28:00.005-05:00

Please do this it will take two minutes of your time.
Free Food for Animal Shelter

Hi, all you animal lovers. This is pretty simple. Please tell your friends! The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals.

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on 'feed an animal in need' for free. It's in a purple box in the middle of the page. This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising.

So please click!

Crazy thoughts of the day!

2008-07-13T12:46:00.003-05:00

Or maybe of the week :). Well, work is picking up - as promised. Hence the silence. It will be going full speed starting this week and continuing on until the end of the month. Enough of my whinning!

Lets see, there were a few things I wanted to share:

1. Last week, I ran 6 miles. Very slowly, but I did it in three days in two mile increments. For this asmatic, not bad. My first 2: 17 minutes, the second 2: 14 minutes, and the last 2: 15 minutes. By Thursday, I was feeling the burn. And I've lost three pounds, but I think that was all 4th of July bbq weight!

2. Realized on Thursday, that my car's inspection sticker is expired. Yes, I know it is 13th day of the month. But what is a girl to do? I'll get it done this week. I can't believe I did this, I've never done anything like it!

3. I finished "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert and I am dying to talk about it. Actually, I adored the book. But, I've signed up for Mel's Barren Bitches Book Brigade, so I will wait to talk directly about the book. However, I think talking about my own yoga and meditation will not count. So that is up on my list of things to blog about.

4. Lastly, if you were wondering how the cartoon had to do with anything to do with this post. I cleaned house. After having another cartoon like dream with a walking toilet. Well, I decided in light of how a dirty house stresses me out, that I need to make sure was nice and clean before the craziness of work started. It also included six loads of laundry. I think we are hiring a maid.

All right, I think that is it for now. I will try to be better, but don't be surprised if my posts become more sporadic. Until the end of this work chaos - I'll be lucky to get lunch!

Exercise, the key to forgiveness?

2008-07-03T12:42:00.006-05:00

I've been thinking thinking about forgiving my body. The question that continously comes into my mind is how do you forgive something that cannot ask for forgiveness?

In my school of thought you need to make peace with it.

Last November, my Yoga teacher had us do a practice which required us to name one thing about our body that we were grateful for. At the time, I thought not much - all I could see were its failures. But, I couldn't share that.

So I delved deeper in to what I was grateful - my eyes.

After all, it was right after my eye surgery. I was realizing the enormous benefits of seeing 20/20.

A few weeks later, after my co-worker who had the same procedure as I took over a month to heal. I was grateful that it took me three days.

By March, I was ecstatic that my eyes had healed to 20/15.

As I look at this, maybe just maybe, this was my peace offering. It could just be that my body is saying - Sorry.

As the bitter person that I am. I'm not ready to accept this peace offering. Instead, I am seeking more. Testing the true remorse.

In October, when I first joined the gym. It was invigorating to run on the treadmill. It was awesome to feel my body tingle after the exercise. But as time went on I forgot those feelings.

Today, I was reminded. After feeling frustrated with work. I went at lunch to the gym for a half hour. And I felt that exiliration. Affirmation that I/it was indeed alive and willing to work.

Which left me feeling calm and peaceful. (I could just need a nap?)

My body did the work, so that my mind could find peace. A ying and yang of sorts.

What I am trying to say is at this exact moment, I feel grateful for being able to release my stress through running. I feel grateful that my body allowed me to do this. I am grateful that it responded with this calming effect.

It could very well be that I've found the door to my forgiveness.

N.B. Please do not worry. After realizing my previous post and this one - I know that I should do this more often and will.

Reminder - Must learn to think of numero uno.

2008-07-02T11:42:00.002-05:00

I am becoming very frustrated at work. Don’t get me wrong, for the most part - I enjoy my position. Believe me, I know how lucky I am in that respect.

But, it has its problems: 1. They rely on me. It is a true double edge sword. 2. They tell me no, when I asked for time off. Because see number one. This is new. In the past I’ve been able to without issue. 3. And the same rules do not apply to others.

My position is unique. I am the only one that does what I do. When I am on vacation, there will be a huge pile waiting for me. So, even when I go on vacation there is no vacation. Since when I return, I need to do everything that no one has done for me and usually requires me putting in extra time.

When others go on vacations, I try to do as much as possible for them plus my own work - so that they don’t need to come back to a pile. You know as a good Catholic girl, I was taught to do for others as I would like to be done for me.

The Company I work for is going thru some changes which are stressing me out. At this point, I am not concerned with the out come. Ironically, I am looking at a potential layoff as some time off – in lieu of a maternity leave.

I am worried about my work load.

Last December/February, I had my first inkling of what that would entail. Lets put it this way, as a person who will not be extremely rewarded for their time and efforts. (By the way, I was given $1,000 before taxes for 90 hours of work.) I am not looking forward to what my July/August will be looking like.

It is frustrating beyond belief – in so many ways. Especially since the individuals who will be highly compensated for their time and efforts are able to take vacation time. While, every time in the recent months, I am only faced with hemming and hawing or a flat out “no.” Yet, the person who is telling me these things has vacations scheduled and is not planning on cancelling those trips. Yes I said trips.

And this is my first summer without injections, daily draws, and empty uterus scans. I was hoping for a normal fun summer. You know one that includes weekend get-a-ways, etc.

Instead I have something else bogging me down that is out of my control.

Yes, I consider it to be out of my control. When you factor in:

1. I like my job;
2. This is only temporary;
3. The economy;
4. The new owners have potential (pay, benefits – it may even be a MA based company!, tuition reimbursement);
5. It is only temporary.

I know what makes me “exceptional employee” is also what is making me frustrated. I will do what it takes to get my job done – including as much as I can of someone else’s job. And this makes me frustrated because I feel as if I am the only one that does that. Most of my colleagues value their own lives more and I am frustrated in equal parts with myself as well as them. Since I would like to be more like them – but see my conscious leaves me feeling guilty if I did what they do.

Also, it makes me feel unappreciated. Because, quiet frankly, sometimes “appreciation” needs to come in the form of dollar signs. While I’ve received raises, I feel like – especially during these times – I am not being compensated as much as I deserve. Right now, I am not seeing the benefits of this job – you know 9 to 5.

It is only compounded because I am given a laptop but it is the only one without remote access. So, it is a computer which requires internet access via my own internet which they don’t pay for. To make myself “happier” with the situation, I decided to get a Bl*ckberry out of pocket. They could of at least offered to pay for the next few months. Actually, when I informed of the fact, I was reminded that the Company would not pay for that service.

It makes for a disgruntled person.

It makes for a disgruntled person who needs a vacation.

Err, imagine how I would be if I didn’t have a few days in May/June? You know the Friday and Monday that I still answered emails. You know. Because I was made to feel guilty for taking the time.

I cannot wait for Thursday at 5, since everyone else is taking the day and I need to be the one here holding up the fort. But, who can take days off when you only get ten vacation days a year?

Frustrated and I need to learn how to say no and that I am taking a few days instead of asking.

Baby Borrowers

2008-06-26T13:06:00.002-05:00

I watched it last night. Did you? What did you think?

If you didn't watch and you want to learn a little bit more, this article did a great job in explaining "the experiment."

My thoughts:

Overall, so far so good. The show eases the teens into becoming parents. I found it interesting how one girl fell apart over using the pregnant belly. (I sincerely felt bad, she must have some sever body issues.)

Also, I found it interesting that the actual parents could suprovise and when they decided and how they interacted with the teen parents. Most telling is that one set of parents are educators and one mother was herself a single mom. They probably know something of the value of a show such as this.

Surprisingly was that one teen boy felt like this was the best decision for him and his girlfriend. And that it may make her change her mind in wanting a baby soon.

I must admit that I was intrigued in a morbid "need to see what the accident looks like" way. But, now I am more impressed with the shows creators, the teens, and the parents who are involved with the show.

I'll be calling my friends with teens and telling them about this "experiment" - I sincerely can see the value.

Now, I really want to know your thoughts. Did you watch? If so, what did you think?

Crazy thoughts of the day.

2008-06-25T14:39:00.004-05:00

Last night, I had a crazy dream. I was in high school/college and I didn't have my schedule. It should have been mailed to me, but for whatever reason I didn't have it. And I kept looking down at my cartoon vulture notebook.

Odd.

It was one of those dreams that you're left thinking about. It was so vivid. The colors were bright and cartoon like. Not sure if that was why it left such an impression.

It was probably brought on by the fact that I'm thinking of going back to school. Yes, grad school. Maybe I think that I'll be thrown to the vultures?

If I go, it won't be until next year. The program I'm interested in requires a language proficiency exam. So, I'm actually taking a Spanish class this fall. Then next Spring, assuming it doesn't collide with Aruba, I'll take a class in the program to try it out, with a another Spanish class.

I like the job I'm in currently. My intent is to do the program part time and it will take me years to complete. But, I'm all right with that. It will compliment my current position. For all these reasons I like the degree and it would allow me to pursue my dream position - Director of International Students.

I know random.

But -- I think -- it would be my dream position. It would allow me to use my immigration knowledge, with college aged students, in academia. All of those things sound intriguing to me.

If I'm honest, some days I want to go back to school and work full time. And other days I think to myself - you're crazy - you really want to do that?

So I think the Spanish class will ease me into the thought process and practice of studying.

The book club is also allowing me to use my brain. I am greatly enjoying the books, which I know I wouldn't necessarily choose for myself. Also, the women are really nice and interesting. Sadly, I don't want to give up the book club to go to class. I know really mature! At this point, I am enjoying it. Why take something out that makes me happy?

So more happy/fun dilemmas.

The wonderful Lolly, or Mel, has me searching for a Blog Name. You need to read the post to understand, go ahead read it, while you are there, whish Lolly a happy blogoversary!

Ok, I need a new name. Lolly and I both agree that Flutter needs to be part of my name. Lolly thinks it should be my first name and I'm leaning towards it being my last name.

What do you think? And thoughts on what my new name should be?

My Book Club Thoughts - Daughter of Destiny by Benazir Bhutto

2008-06-23T15:14:00.006-05:00

Benazir Bhutto's autobiography, Daughter of Destiny, made me think of so many things. The autobiography focused mostly on her father's rise to Prime Minister, the take over of his government by a dictatorship, her subsequent detainments, her mother and husband's incarcerations, the death of her brothers and escalation to power.

The book for me was a slow read. So many details and facts, that I didn't want to miss a thing. Benazir was an interesting person. Raised in a political family (think the Kennedys), well educated (Radcliff and Oxford), Muslim and a feminist. Many of her characteristics seem to be contradictory, but somehow she blended them together.

Thrust into politics after her father's murder, she became the people's politician. Her intentions seemed exceptionally pure. It is tough not to read this book and not like her. She endured so much, and yet rose above it all.

Besides I have a special place for all woman leaders. I know it is a bit biased. But, since I can only think of three - Indira Gandhi (Prime Minister of India from 1966 to 1977 and 1980 to 1984); Margaret Thatcher (Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in 1979 to 1990); and Benazir Bhutto (Prime Minister of Pakistan on December 2, 1988)

But part of her "wedding vows" for her husband:

"Asif must look after the children while I am out campaigning and not prevent me from going to jail, You must agree that Benazir will serve the nation"

His response:

"That is all right with me, for I will serve the nation by serving my wife."

I found it interesting that Benazir said, "Despite the great strides women have made, the double standards in viewing the conduct of male and female leaders obviously remains." This quote resonated with me especially considering the recent race between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

All in all, I enjoyed my time with Benazir. As the book neared the end, I faught with myself over whether or not to read the final pages dealing with her murder. All I can say for certain, is that the world lost a very special person.

What's in the news?

2008-06-23T13:36:00.004-05:00

By this point, most of you have probably heard about the seventeen teen pregnancies occurring in Gloucester, MA. If you haven’t, please go read the Time article.

The article sounds like something out of a Jodi Picoult book. Maybe it is?

I chuckle at the idea that Juno or Knocked up were the reason. I am more inclined to believe that Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney Spears, Nicole Ritchie, or Ashlee Simpson – to name just a few. After all, in my humble opinion, in the last few years it has been glamorous to be a mom. And all of these women – and I’m not saying that they shouldn’t – gush over their children. But, the simple fact is that these very young women have money. Therefore, they can afford these children. They can afford nannies to continue school or their careers. They can afford diapers and food.

For the most part, their fans cannot. But, it is not surprising to me that teen pregnancy is starting to rise. This article touches upon a multitude of scary truths.

Teen pregnancy is intriguing to me – maybe because it is the opposite of my situation – I feel fear and compassion for the unborn child. I feel as if the circumstances are a tragedy, but that the child is a blessing. My interest has escalated in the new reality show on NBC entitled Baby Borrowers. It is too late for these 17 girls, but it may help others, after all, as the show states “It may be the best birth control.”

I think it may be very true considering this quote from a teen mother in the Time article:

“But Amanda Ireland, who graduated from Gloucester High on June 8, thinks she knows why these girls wanted to get pregnant. Ireland, 18, gave birth her freshman year and says some of her now pregnant schoolmates regularly approached her in the hall, remarking how lucky she was to have a baby. "They're so excited to finally have someone to love them unconditionally," Ireland says. "I try to explain it's hard to feel loved when an infant is screaming to be fed at 3 a.m."

Maybe teen parents, should be asked to talk to the general school population to deglamourize children? They could tell them a little about their daily struggles and give others the reality of parenting – hard work!

As I get off my soap box, this is the latest:

The School Committee is now disputing that the girls made a pact. Instead, they are saying that the pact happened after the pregnancies. However, several of the girls’s baby daddy is a homeless twenty-four year old.

Because that makes it so much better.

How is it going?

2008-06-19T10:20:00.002-05:00

OK, so according to my counter, I'm getting about the same number of views. Not a bad thing.

But, I am wondering - what do you think so far?

I know it hasn't even been a week! But can you tell that I'm feeling just slightly apprehensive?

Also, on the menu for the blog that is - My fitness struggle, What's in the news?, and Crazy thoughts of the day.

Is there anything else that you would like to read about?

What's for dinner?

2008-06-18T07:00:00.000-05:00

I love food. As a result, I adore the Food Network, T*p Chef, and H*ll's Kitch*n. The chefs and their wonderful creations can and do mesmerize me for hours. Also, so does drama! Sometimes, I stumble upon a recipe that I think I can master, such as:

"Orzo with Sausage, Peppers and Tomatoes Recipe courtesy Giada De Laurentiis, 2008
See this recipe on air Saturday Jun. 14 at 7:30 AM ET/PT.

1 red bell pepper
1 orange bell pepper
1 pound orzo pasta
3 cups chicken stock
3 cups water
1 tablespoon kosher salt
2 tablespoons olive oil
7 ounces (2 links) mild Italian turkey sausage, casings removed
1 clove garlic, minced
2 plum tomatoes, chopped
1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes, optional
2 tablespoons chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1/2 cup ricotta salata cheese, crumbled

Using tongs, place the bell peppers over a gas flame. Cook, turning occasionally, until the skins are charred on all sides, about 5 to 6 minutes. (Alternatively, place the peppers on a baking sheet and broil for 5 to 8 minutes, until charred.) Place the charred peppers in a medium bowl. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and allow the peppers to steam for 20 minutes. Under running water, peel away the charred skin from the peppers. Pat the peppers dry with paper towels. Remove the stem and seeds from the peppers and cut into 1/4-inch thick slices. Set aside.
In a medium saucepan, bring the chicken stock, water, and kosher salt to a boil over high heat. Add the pasta and cook until tender but still firm to the bite, stirring occasionally, about 8 to 10 minutes.

While the pasta is cooking: In a large skillet, heat the oil over medium-high heat. Add the turkey sausage and saute until cooked through, about 4 minutes. Add the garlic and cook for 1 minute. Add the bell peppers, tomatoes, and red pepper flakes, if using, and cook until heated through, about 2 minutes.

Drain the pasta, reserving about 1/2 cup of the cooking liquid, and transfer to a large serving bowl. Add the sausage mixture, 1 tablespoon of the parsley, and season with salt and pepper, to taste. Toss well to combine all ingredients, adding reserved cooking liquid, if needed, to loosen the pasta. Top with the ricotta salata and sprinkle with the remaining parsley. Serve.

Recipe Summary
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 10 minutes
Yield: 4 to 6 servings
User Rating:

Episode#: EI1209
Copyright © 2006 Television Food Network, G.P., All Rights Reserved"

So, it seemed simple enough, and something that my finicky husband would enjoy. As a result, an attempt and here is how it turned out.

Please note I made the following substitutions: instead of 1 orange bell pepper - 1 yellow bell pepper, 3 cups of chicken broth - 2 cups, 3 cups of water - 4 cups, plum tomatoes - vine strawberry tomatoes, double the sausage and spicy variety, double the garlic, ricotta salata cheese - three cheese grated (parmesan, romano & asiago).

I doubled the sausage because it was our main meal and it was initially presented as part of a picnic, while the other substitutions were out of convenience/necessity.

Also, the recipe and show both didn't explain this, but it you are new to roasting peppers - first you can buy them pre-roasted (who knew) and secondly - you need to deskin all of it. The texture is just not pleasant. Thank G-d I for once didn't follow the recipe exactly and deskinned before we got that far.

T gave it a thumbs up, so you know it was easy and that any one can do it. :) Baking is my thing - more on that for another day.

We both agreed that I would definitely use the ricotta salata next time or more of a crumbly and substantial cheese with a sprinkle of the grated to top things off. Also, T suggested using a raw pepper instead - but that is his preference he doesn't enjoy his peppers cooked.

Overall it was YUMMY and bound to be repeated soon in our home!

My Book Club Thoughts

2008-06-16T01:40:00.001-05:00

Do you remember that I joined a book club? As a result, I thought I would start doing a monthly post regarding the books I'm reading. So here it goes:

The first novel was Rebecca by Daphne du M*urier, an excellent story with intrigue and suspense. It delves into social status, second marriages, and regrets. I really enjoyed it - despite the fact I was aggravated by not knowing the narrators name! Also, it left me feeling if I would like the nemisis if only I knew her side. Kind of like with Wick*d? (A novel I loved simply for the fact that it reminded me that sometimes - you need to know where someone is coming from to understand his/her actions.)

The second book, The Hum*an Stain by Philip Roth.

The Hum*n Stain is a story full of irony. In the attempt of becoming "a new being" the main characters threw away pieces of themselves. They all had a secret which they believed plagued them in society. As a result, they believed by shedding themselves of these characteristics allowed them to overcome society. In the end, these same characteristics may have been a partial reason for their destruction. In the back drop is the story of Bill and M*nica.

It brought me back to the summer of 1998. My first job out of college in the Senator's office. My primary responsibility, to listen to hundreds of people complain that the President got a bl*w job in the Ov*l Office. Yes, after that job, I jumped everytime a phone rang. Five hundred calls a day explaining to so many that Bill was not the first nor the last president to have an affair in office. Actually, it has been historically established that every president since FDR has had an affair. (Not sure about our current or Reag*n.)

But, I am digressing.

The Novel brought up so many social and ethical questions. Topics such as Veterans, domestic abuse, segregation, etc. At times, it was repulsive to me and yet it always made me think.

Ironically, it left me feeling like everyone should have a Sylvia - after feeling disgusted by Mrs. Danvers.

Has anyone read these novels or scene the movies? I'm actually curious if the movie for the Human Stain was well done. Obviously Reb*cca must be a great movie - it was done by Alfred Hitchc*ck - but thoughts opinions?

The next book is an autobiography by Ben*zir Bhutt*, Daughter of D*stiny.

The Me Meme

2008-06-15T09:00:00.001-05:00

Guess who has been tagged by the lovely LoriBeth. If you haven't been tagged, please consider yourself so!

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?

Ten years ago, I graduated from college, and moved back home. Almost exactly to the day, I went to my first interview for a job in a Senator’s office that I was over qualified for, but thought it was a foot in the door. I got the job with the caveat that I would be eligible to apply for the job I wanted in a few months.

What I learned, you never take a job in hopes of another, especially in a political office. Since, they usually know who they “owe” that job too – even if you would be better for it.

2. What 5 things are on your to-do list for today?

1. Call my Dad and wish him a Happy Father's Day! (We are celebrating next week when my sister comes home.)
2. Feed the Boy and Girl (Kitties).
3. Download music to my Dad's Father Day gift - an IP*D Shuffle.
4. Read
5. Go to the movies? Indiana J*nes?

3. List some snacks you enjoy.

1. Hershey’s Nuggets
2. Flavored Sparkling Water
3. Iced Coffee with milk and sugar
4. Kashi Roasted Almond Crunch
5. Almonds

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

1. Buy a townhouse with three bedrooms, two baths and basement in MA.
2. Travel the world.
3. Buy smaller homes in three of my favorite places.
4. Go back to school forever.
5. Create a fund for individuals who don’t have insurance which includes for fertility testing and treatment.
6. Donate to the Brain Tumor Society, Make a Wish, and the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.

5. List the places you have lived

1. Massachusetts – Town South of Boston/Route 24;
2. Scranton, Pennsylvania; and
3. Massachusetts – Town East of Boston/Route 3.

6. List the jobs you have had.

1. Babysitter;
2. Bagger, Shaw’s Supermarkets;
3. Cashier, Shaw’s Supermarkets;
4. Temp (At a knickknack place, with a priest, and T*lbots).
5. Staff Member/Receptionist at a Senator’s Office;
6. Legal Assistant at a Bank (It announced a merger two weeks after I accepted the position!)
7. Immigration Paralegal
8. In-house Paralegal (Immigration, Employment, and Corporate)

Evolution

2008-06-13T01:00:00.016-05:00

Happy 2 year blog anniversary to me! And 300th post!

A few other stats which I found interesting:

I’ve had 36,134 site visits, 2,217 profile views, and 1,673 comments.

So every one who has ever come to visit and especially for all who have left me a comment, thank you!

My little blog started because I had so many things rolling around in my head regarding infertility. It at first was avoiding my physical and mental explosion, then it turned into a chronicle of our infertility treatments and ode to our unborn child(ren), and it eventually reverted back to my pensieve.

All in all, it has been my cathartic therapy and you all my care givers in a difficult time.

During an interview, I had someone say to me, “You are what you present yourself to be. There is no hiding with you.” I was initially shocked by this assessment after taking a personality test – because it was so true. For the past two years, this blog has been me - reflective, sad, mournful, and one dimensional.

Since stopping treatment, nine months ago, I realized that I am more than my infertility; but, at the same time, I had forgotten who that was. With the help of T, I’ve been able to recapture a bit of myself.

In the spirit that time heals all wounds, I’ve come to a conclusion that my whole is greater than my sum of my parts. As a result, I am planning on nurturing all of my parts.

To be clear, I would describe myself in the following words:

American, baker, blogger, brown eyed, brunette, calligraphist, Catholic, college grad, cousin, crafter, daughter, Democrat, ditzy, evolving, fair, feminist, friend, granddaughter, law abiding, lover of history, infertile, inquisitive, Liberal, kitty momma, multi-lingual, niece, paralegal, Portuguese, quick to laugh, reader, shoe aficionado, straight shooter, sister, strong, student, tall, thoughtful, traveler, wife, woman, yogi.

Ultimately, infertility will always be a part of me, hence a part of this blog. However, I will be focusing more on my other parts. And I know this is the right choice for me. Since making this decision, I've had to put myself on hold on blogging, I actually have five posts written - I wanted this post to be my 300th - the official turning point. But, I realized I have so much to talk about (books, the news, cooking, yoga, etc.).

I realize that by venturing outside the IF community, I may come across individuals who have strong beliefs against ART. As a result, I’ve only listed non-infertility blogs that interest me or password protected blogs (that I am unable to access thru G**gle reader). Please note, I’ve transferred my previous list and will continue to read and comment.

Truly, I hope that you will continue to read, comment, and get to know a little bit more about me. But, I will also understand if you decide not to.

Please know that I don’t believe in change for the sake of change, but I do believe in evolution. To me, this is the beginning of mine, my evolution to my new self. Knowing where I’ve come from, knowing my separate parts, and knowing that I am greater than all of my parts. (May be this is what it means for me to live without children?)

Thank you and welcome – I hope you stay for another two years and 300 posts.

Happy Birthday!

2008-06-09T01:00:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear Dianne,
Happy Birthday to you!

My 32nd. For some reason, I'm hopeful in what it will bring.

If you need a good laugh, my dear T got me this, perfect for the girl who gets lost in her home town! (By the way, it isn't exactly the one he got, but you get the point.)

Remember, my next post on Friday, will commemorate my 2nd blogaversary and 300th post! WOO HOO!

Show and Tell

2008-06-08T09:30:00.002-05:00

A coffee cup? Yes, a coffee cup.

Almost fourteen years ago, I left home for college. It was a big change for me. I was the first of my family to go away, and only the second to attend college. Many things were against me, including male family members. But, I had determination.

My childhood friend A, my first best friend, gave me a coffee mug of the Little Prince. I adored that mug. It gave me comfort being so far away from home, family and friends. Every time I felt a little sad or overwhelmed, I'd make hot chocolate and use my special mug.

A few months into school, my floor mate was using my mug. When it accidentally broke. I could see the horror in her face which mirrored mine.

That afternoon she gave me the mug that is pictured above. This mug has always been special to me. It represented to me the beginning of that friendship. Even if we have lost touch, I always remember her fondly. It is the mug I always grab for first.

It brings me comfort in the same way as the first one did. Because it came from a friend. Who wanted to make it better. It seems to have some magical element to it.

Even thought my drink of choice now is coffee. It always makes me feel loved.

Simply a wonderful time.

2008-06-04T19:48:00.002-05:00

Last weekend I went to visit friends in Virginia. This get-a-way was in place of my ten year college reunion. (GASP! It has been that long!)

Instead, I had a bit of girls weekend with my friend and former roommate J. Fourteen years ago, we were placed together by a computer. If I ever saw that computer, I think it would be fitting to give it a place of honor in my home for it was truly brilliant.

The trip to her new home was wonderful. I was shown around the beautiful college town. The weather perfect with blue skies and high eighties and low nineties. So much to do with activity after activity and the people! (We went to S*x and the City, a dog show, a farmer's market, and a polo match.)

It was perfect!

The best part was our heart to hearts. I miss my J - so much. I have been very blessed by my friend. She has been there ever since that faithful computer placed us together. A friend for life.

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

2008-05-29T15:20:00.002-05:00

to see a few friends! And I'm very excited.

Things I realized today:

1. My 2 year blog anniversary is June 13th; and
2. This is my 296 post!

So, planning a post for June 13th that will cellebrate my 2 years and commerate my 300th post. Excited? Do you feel the anticipation?

Also, don't get worried if you see some changes on the blog. I finally created a feed - much easier to read. So, I'm doing a little editing.

Lastly, please don't click for AMS's new "best day ever"!

A NEW DAY - PLEASE CLICK MAY 29, 2008!!!

2008-05-28T12:12:00.002-05:00

I'm reposting this request. Tomorrow is the day to make a new day for AMS. This is a such a small thing, but it will make a huge difference. Please click. Thank you!

A New Day from Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters by The Town Criers

I ask you to do a lot. This time, it is simply a small click. Perhaps more than once during the day, maybe moving around to different computers if you work in a space with multiple computers. I, for one, am hitting a local library where I can log-on each computer and click once.

It is such an enormously small thing--a click.

The day that Allison lost Zoë is forever marked her "best day ever" on Wordpress because it is the day that the most people visited her blog. For her own emotional well-being, she needs this post to be taken off her blog dashboard. The way to do that is to create a new record for visits to her blog.

On Thursday, May 29, please click on Allison's blog, Our Own Creation, and help replace that post with whatever is currently up on her blog that day. Everyone needs to visit on the same day--May 29th--because if we simply click throughout the week, it won't bump the day she lost Zoë from that section of the dashboard. I am writing this now to give us time to spread the word. Take the graphic I created and place it on your own blog. Don't worry--I'll remind you to click that day.

We need 2,350 people to visit Our Own Creation on May 29th. We need 1,785 people visit Sweet Zoë.

We just raised $3000 for a FET. We can raise a couple thousand hits. Are you with me?

Can this be U.T.E.R.U.S.'s last spring fling before we have a quick nap? Isn't it all about sending love when it really comes down to it? Reminding a person that they're never alone in all of this?

The Election

2008-05-23T12:59:00.002-05:00

This article could have been written about myself and my beloved. Although, we have been married/together long enough that we acknowledge the fact that we cancel eachother out.

But, after the 2004 election, I was in a state of morning until the inauguration. T still talks about with a snicker. Err....Republicans!

The roles have reversed - since T isn't a 100% proud of what his candidate has done in the last eight years.

'I Don't Know Who I'm Married To'
Political differences shake bipartisan relationships
By Jeremy Egner

Lindsay Wright had been married to her husband, Brian, for only a few months last fall when she realized their relationship wasn't as harmonious as she had thought.

In fact, she recalled recently, things were cruising along nicely until a casual kitchen-table revelation rocked the Wrights' newlywed bliss.

"It was like an explosion went off within our house," says Lindsay, a Phoenix attorney.

What triggered the flare-up and the two days of bickering that followed? Some financial blunder? An admission of infidelity?

Actually, it was an online candidate quiz.

Brian, it seems, wasn't as conservative as Lindsay, a longtime registered Republican, had believed. He expressed sentiments while they were dating that led Lindsay to think they saw eye to eye politically, she says. But as Brian answered quiz questions about his political positions, Lindsay learned that they held nearly opposite views on hot-button issues such as Social Security and gun control, among others.

"Health care, oh God, that was huge," Lindsay says, audibly exasperated. "I called my friend the next day and said, 'I don't know who I'm married to.'"

Political differences don't generate as much heat as other marital friction points, such as disagreements over finances or parenting strategy, according to couples therapists and other experts.

Notable couples such as Mary Matalin and James Carville, married political consultants from opposite parties, prove that bipartisan relationships can and do work. Only 15 percent of respondents to a January survey by Engage.com, an online matchmaking site, said they would not date someone simply because they belonged to a different party.

But during the election season, political differences between partners become magnified as stump rhetoric intensifies, yard signs proliferate and wall-to-wall campaign coverage consumes even the most casual political observer.

As a result, cracks can emerge in the shaky détente forged by couples who normally agree to disagree politically, say those living amid the crossfire.

"Our differences never gave me pause about our relationship," says Beth, a self- described "flaming liberal" Washington attorney who declined to give her last name because she works with government agencies. "But when he voted to re-elect George W. Bush, it set me off. I was literally angry and I yelled at him."

Had the couple lived in a so-called swing state instead of overwhelmingly Democratic D.C., "I might have divorced him at that moment," she says.

Beth, who was pregnant at the time, admitted that "hormones" might have fueled her vitriol. But her husband isn't taking any chances.

"Now he doesn't tell me who he's voting for," Beth says.

Different, not wrong
Is secrecy the key to forming a more perfect union between political opposites?

A more positive approach, say couples therapists, is for partners to learn how to disagree without making it personal.

That's easier said than done. Broad political affiliations comprise many specific and often quite personal stances on issues that affect nearly every facet of life.

Tina Tessina, a Long Beach, Calif.-based therapist and author of "Money, Sex, and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage," acknowledges that individuals' political beliefs about how the U.S. should care for the poor and the sick, defend its citizens and pay for its schools and roads are closely tied to how they define themselves as people. In other words, when someone says your positions on these issues are wrong, it's easy to interpret it as a personal attack and respond in kind.

"You get into a courtroom drama, trying to prove that your side is right by saying bad things about the other person's point of view," Tessina says. "The minute you get into who's right and who's wrong, you have a never-ending battle because a person is always right from his or her own perspective."

Communicating political differences
Linda Olson, a clinical psychologist and therapist based in New Canaan, Conn., teaches quarrelsome couples a three-step communication process based on "hearing, validating and empathizing," she says.

The first sounds self-explanatory but instructs people to actually listen to what their partners are saying rather than simply plot their counterattacks. Validation comes when someone acknowledges that a partner or spouse is making a reasonable point, even if it's not one that he or she agrees with, Olson says.

"It's not about agreeing with a person," she says. "It's being able to see and hear another person's point of view."

Empathy, the "hardest piece," comes when a spouse summons enough compassion to understand, based on what's been said, how a partner can feel the way they do, Olson says.

Such systematic approaches don't come naturally. But once mastered, they can be applied to all sorts of conflicts, political and otherwise.

"It's not unlike learning to play golf or a sport," Olson says. "It's all about building skills."

To each his own
It doesn't help that political media coverage reinforces the "right vs. wrong" dynamic by obsessing over the horse-race aspect of elections, Tessina notes.

"They treat it like a sporting event instead of as intelligent discourse," she says. "But when you're talking with your partner, intelligent discourse is really, really important."

Since the blowup last fall, the Wrights have learned to tread more carefully around touchy issues, Lindsay says. They do agree on some controversial subjects such as abortion and gay marriage. Lindsay would register as an Independent if it still allowed her to vote in primaries, she says, and tend to discuss such topics more often than contentious ones.

Where they differ, they try to remain civil instead of "getting passionate about it," she says. As long as Brian's position seems well considered, she can respect it, she says.

Love, kids & politics
Together for nearly 25 years, Judy and Joe Musa of Middletown, N.J., have had plenty of time to practice setting partisanship aside in the name of a happy home.

Joe, a pastry chef, is a registered Republican who campaigned for Ronald Reagan in the 1980s. Judy, a public relations and marketing professional, is a liberal Independent, she says.

"This is the woman I love; what can I tell you?" Joe says. "We just have to go on realizing that we cancel each other out."

The current election has been somewhat calmer than past contests, Joe says, because neither partner is thrilled by the choices.

"I have issues with my guy, and she has issues with the two on her side," he says. "I'm just going to hold my nose and pull the lever."

The Musas toned down their occasionally heated political spats after they had children, Judy says. Their kids, ages 6 and 4, are too young to distinguish between political debates and actual fights, she says.

But what happens when they get a little older? Will the Musas vie to sway their kids' political affiliation?

"Actually, I like that my kids will realize that there are many points of view in America," Judy says. "Nobody's perfect, nobody's right. Everybody's allowed to have their own opinion."

"I have to say, I'm the one who writes the check out for Joe's subscription to the National Review," Judy says. "I'm open-minded enough to say, 'If you want to read that thing, go read it.'"

"What can I say?" she adds. "I'm a loving wife."

Please help.

2008-05-23T09:52:00.002-05:00

A New Dayfrom Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters by The Town Criers

I ask you to do a lot. This time, it is simply a small click. Perhaps more than once during the day, maybe moving around to different computers if you work in a space with multiple computers. I, for one, am hitting a local library where I can log-on each computer and click once.

It is such an enormously small thing--a click.

The day that Allison lost Zoë is forever marked her "best day ever" on Wordpress because it is the day that the most people visited her blog. For her own emotional well-being, she needs this post to be taken off her blog dashboard. The way to do that is to create a new record for visits to her blog.

On Thursday, May 29, please click on Allison's blog, Our Own Creation, and help replace that post with whatever is currently up on her blog that day. Everyone needs to visit on the same day--May 29th--because if we simply click throughout the week, it won't bump the day she lost Zoë from that section of the dashboard. I am writing this now to give us time to spread the word. Take the graphic I created and place it on your own blog. Don't worry--I'll remind you to click that day.

We need 2,350 people to visit Our Own Creation on May 29th. We need 1,785 people visit Sweet Zoë.

We just raised $3000 for a FET. We can raise a couple thousand hits. Are you with me?

Can this be U.T.E.R.U.S.'s last spring fling before we have a quick nap? Isn't it all about sending love when it really comes down to it? Reminding a person that they're never alone in all of this?

My first experience with Pilates....

2008-05-22T12:01:00.003-05:00

On Monday, I ventured to the gym for my first Pilates class.

I felt accomplished before the teacher started - I introduced myself to three women! Then we started to perform pilates. My stomach muscles were the first to quiver. I thought to myself, oh boy.

About twenty minutes into the class, I realized I was in a bit of trouble.

And by the end, I knew I was in trouble and pain.

It only continued into Tuesday, that night, T openly laughed at me. You know it is bad, when I was grunting in my sleep trying to find a comfortable spot.

By Wednesday, I was still sore, but thought that movement might help. So I went back to the gym. This time I avoided the pilates class and used the bike.

Once I got home I did some yoga stretches specifically for the hips. And today I feel better.

I know why people do pilates, you most definitely will get into shape - if you do it consistently. But, is there a way to do it without the pain?

I guess that is where "no pain, no gain" comes from.

My former boss...

2008-05-21T12:11:00.004-05:00

I worked for him as an intern and as staff member. In that year, I met him only three times and he would never be able to pick me out of a line up. But, the news regarding his health issues, saddens me.

Ironically, his tumor (at this preliminary stage of information) is identical to my cousin Bobby's tumor.

I feel guilty, and my thoughts and prayers are with him, but, at least, there will be a recognizable face to be associated with this terrible infliction. Awareness and hopefully promotion of organizations like the Brain Tumor Society will aid finding a cure.

I'd like to think that his death (and Bobby's) will not be in vane.

Pleasing myself.

2008-05-19T15:19:00.001-05:00

This weekend with a minor break down/break though. I came to a few realizations with T’s help.

In the last few weeks, I’ve been sad for a few reasons:

1. My friends are few and far between.
2. I feel lost and need to find my plan B.

Most of my friends don’t live around here. I have a few acquaintances which have potential to be better friends, but I don’t always reach out. I automatically assume individuals are too busy and they may be, but who am I to say? Unless I ask, I’ll never know.

Also, I don’t network or make friends easily. I need to get out there and meet people. It is something that I’ve tried before, but admittedly with no success. I am a little shy in that respect and usually let people come to me. But, since that isn’t working, I am on a mission.

Today was a little slow at work. With some extra time and my recent realization, I found two book clubs, a few pilates and yoga classes, and a graduate program which interests me. Hopefully that will open a few doors.

I also found a graduate program that interests me, looking into the possibility of taking a class in the fall – to try it out.

Lets see what happens with plan B.

Conversations which continued the twist.....

2008-05-17T08:43:00.004-05:00

I received a call from my mother. She starts off normally. "Where are you? Have you eaten? What are you making for dinner? How is T?"

The general questions that she asks out of obligation. Never to really hear my answers or acknowledge me.

She goes on. "I wonder when M and M will start to have kids."

I respond, "You know they may not be able to, shit happens."

She responds, "Don't say that! Don't wish anything bad on your sister!"

I respond, "Is that what happened to me, someone wished something bad on me? Shit happens. Life doesn't go as planned. It may not happen."

I think to myself, and your pressure is not helping nor is it going to move things along.

She responds, "I need to go."

"O.K., bye."

*****

My sister, her friend and I are having lunch/dinner after an eight hour shopping trip. Our feet hurt and our hands are full. The conversation changes:

M: "M thinks we should start "trying" next May after S & S's wedding. When we will be in great shape."

Me: "You are all ready in great shape. How about T's birthday cruise?"

M: "I know I'm in good shape, I guess it is for him. (Said with a smile.) We are definitely going on the cruise. Babies can go?" (I shake my head yes.)

M's Friend: "Not that you have to worry about his body, your body is the one that will be changing!" (We all laugh.)

M: "M thinks we will get pregnant quick. You know he thinks he has super sperm."

Me: "I hope you have a few super eggs." (We all laugh.)

M's Friend: "Exactly."

M: "I know. Hopefully it will work out. Mom is all ready sitting me down and asking if I want kids. She is worried what to do with herself. And she is worried about what do with her money."

Me: "I hope you get pregnant quickly. I'll talk to her."

*****

We are celebrating Mother's day a day early. Since M & M need to leave for the Island the next day to work. My sister, myself and my mother are sitting waiting for a table. The boys are outside enjoying themselves catching up.

Me: "Who closed my bag?" (It's a bucket style.)

M: With a giggle, "I did."

Mom: "Oh she didn't know that she could close the bag?"

M: "She knew that she could close the bag, she isn't stupid."
(M and I look at eachother in amazement. When my mind flashes to other conversations.)

Me: "She thinks I'm stupid. (Said with realization.) She did try to tell me that I was having sex wrong."

M: "What?"

Mom: "I never said that?"

Me: "Just like you never said that I was a disgrace and disappointment if I never gave you grandchildren? Like that time?"

Mom: Looks away. "I never said that."

M: Said to me, but my mother is in the middle of us. "Do you know she is all stressed about us possibly having kids on the Island? Who will help us take care of the baby?"

Me: Said to my mother, "Why don't you move?" Silently praying that she does. So that it can be M's responsibility to try and please her.

M: Looking at my mother, "I will not try as hard as Dianne did."
Silence for a short while.

*****

We are all sitting down. The waitress starts to take our orders. My mother is hemming and hawing. She prefers to order what I or M are ordering. But, she doesn't want what we are having.

I look at T and say, "I'll just order the filet."
T: "Why?"
M: "Because she is trying to please Mom."

I realize that she is right, I'm always trying to please a woman who is never happy. I order what I wanted.

Then the waitress announced to our table she was pregnant and what kinds of food she is been enjoying off the menue.

I wished her well on my way out.

*****

On Thursday, I watched Grey's and it clicks why I've been letting all of these conversations and so many others - errode my mind and heart in the last week.

They are my loved ones and no one else is allowed to talk badly about them. She is my mother. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I've refused to even vocalize it with T.

It is just that I've been able to accept her as a person for who she is, by trying to understand her past. Maybe by being an adult myself, I can understand why she is the way she is. But, when it comes to her as my mother, I don't understand. And am hurt by so many things.

My therapist said once that I wanted to be a mother to show my mother how it was done. There is so much truth in that statement. It is twisted.

Twisted

2008-05-16T10:27:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago, I was driving into work on a clear blue sky day. The windows were down and I thought to myself I feel good. Sun shinning brightly, a slight cool breeze, a beautiful day – how could I not?

That same day, I received an email from a friend from high school. She is a few years younger. She knows of our infertility. In the last few years our emails would include me explaining ART to her and what stage we were in. This email started off like every other, catching up, and then it twisted. She says, “I had a miscarriage.”

At first, I comforted. As the conversation goes on, she proceeds to tell me about the differences of a chemical miscarriage and a late term. I told her, “I may not have ever been pregnant, but I know very well what a miscarriage is and the differences.” I’m offended and I quickly end the conversation.

This conversation and my reaction bothered me. I looked at it as objectively as possible and I realize that I am jealous of people who have had miscarriages. (I can hear the gasp of WTF? And apologize in advance.) But, let me explain.

If I had a miscarriage, I would know:

the joy of telling my husband, parents, and sister that we were expecting.

the joy of life growing inside of me.

the hope and love which that brings.

the right to grieve.

And I know in my heart of hearts that it is ridiculous. In the same time, I feel like it would have been something to show for all of our hard work. Someone to mourn in a more tangible manner. It would be devastating. But, I would have that child to forever love and know that he/she would be waiting for me when I die.

Twisted, that is how I feel lately, twisted.

Happy Sunday!

2008-05-08T13:48:00.002-05:00

As I know many a woman who are care givers without being mothers - I am wishing everyone a Happy Sunday! For the Mom's, I hope it is a special day for you too!

Pallanca

2008-04-25T14:19:00.003-05:00

When I was in college, I attended two spiritual/religious retreats. A special part of those retreats were letters called "Pallancas." They were meant to be pulleys/levers to bring up the spirit. I guess a part of me is seeking that with my Wondering post.

I thank all of you who responded and for those who didn't but have left me comments in the past - you have provided me many pallancas, unknowningly, for all most two years. I value your words more than I can say.

The other reason for that post is that lately, I feel slighted, judged, and misplaced. Not by anyone has commented here. But, in other blogs, with family, by life and I don't know where I belong. I am far from over this thing called infertility. And yet, I don't belong with people deep in the trenches. I didn't go as far as IVF - eventhough I feel like I've felt my fair share of pain. My problem is when anyone tries to compare or quantify pain - I tend to loose. But, alas, isn't that my problem.

My mind keeps on going back to last August and my Grandfather's funeral. My Aunt was talking to my Grandfather's sister-in-law (his second marriage). They were talking about her pending grandchild. How she waited a long while for her daughter, and my Aunt chimes in "It took my daughter a while too." I couldn't help it, my eyes bugged out of my head and I was nearly yelling, "Really that was a long time! She has a beautiful boy in her arms in less than a year. But that was a long time!" But instead I stayed quiet and I let the quantification occur because she had an early miscarriage.

Later the next day, when we were burying our Grandfather, we passed a beautiful statue. (I wish I had a photo.) It was in memorium of all children who were miscarried. My cousin made a comment because she wanted to vocalize her pain.

I yearned for a place to mourn the children of my dreams. But did it in silence. Those scenes replay in my head. I sometimes feel that they are in constant replay.

This blog, from its creation, has been the place for my mourning. Please don't take this offensively, because I am very appreciative of this space. But I am only allowed to mourn with strangers. I've never been allowed to have a service or even talk about it with my mother and not have it all about me.

Goodness, what was suppose to be a post to thank, it has turned into a post of "woes is me."

Sadly, I can't explain it - but here I don't have too. Here I can say, thank you for listening to me. Thank you for being my pallancas in this place of great solitude. Thank you for allowing me to grieve without quanitification or judgment.

So funny I had to share!

2008-04-16T13:24:00.001-05:00

The Wife's Bill of Rights
By Jill Adler
Preamble:
We, the wives of America, love being married to the husbands of America. We know we have our faults, but with our ever-morphing roles these days, there's a lot of pressure on us to be superhuman. We care for our families, manage the home, keep ourselves attractive, and even bring home our shares of the bacon. We know we sometimes lash out, but we really do want to "live happily ever after" with you. Our mutual acknowledgement of these amendments can go a long way toward achieving that.
Amendment I
We have the right to dislike your buddies.
We know it's important for you to have your guy friends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade. Disappear for a while and be boys—it's OK, go chug beer and high-five—but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables or leave their beer cans on the floor.
Amendment II
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory.
Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: Bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug.
Amendment III
We have the right to demand you finish a household job.
We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash the dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it.
Amendment IV
We have the right to an honest answer to "What's wrong?"
We admit guilt in this area too, but "Nothing" says nothing. If we ask, it's not because we're trying to make casual conversation. It's because we love you and need an honest answer. If there truly is nothing wrong, then ask why we think otherwise. Yes, this could open a can of worms, but remember when we dated and talked about everything?
Amendment V
We have the right to keep our secrets.
Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not your place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfriends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.
Amendment VI
We have the right to clean air.
You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. There is something inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You may not like our potpourri and scented candles, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.
Amendment VII
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products.
You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after two passes on your chest and legs.
Amendment VIII
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day.
About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't eavesdrop or criticize. We know you're not that interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you—a lot. It helps us work through issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.
Amendment IX
We have the right to flirt.
Not the kind that makes you jealous, but the healthy practice of connecting with another person on a non-sexual level. Light banter is fun, quick-witted, and encouraging to our self esteem. It might even remind you of why you feel in love with us. And if it gets us a smoking deal on that new furnace or a free stay for the family at a million-dollar ski chalet, so much the better.
Amendment X
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for our crotch or breasts and expect us to melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you.
Jill Adler is a freelance writer based in Salt Lake City. When she's not researching relationships, she edits a bi-monthly sports publication in Utah, is a film and television actor, and is a PSIA Level III certified ski instructor. You can reach her at www.jilladler.com.

The Flip Side

The Husband's Bill of Rights
By Craig Playstead
Preamble:
We, the husbands of America, do not claim to be perfect. We're far from it. While we love being married to the wives of America, we have a few things that we'd like to straighten out. We're not asking for the world here. We understand that things like following our college football team to every away game is out of the question, as are after-dinner cigars. However; there are a few minor things that we'd like to clear up to make our marriage a happy one.
Amendment I
We have the right to go out with our friends at least once a month.
A man's relationship with his buddies is a bond that should never be broken. It helps keep us feeling young, connected and sane. It also helps us break the routine just like nights with the girls do for you. Even as we reach middle age, we like the fact that we still have a "crew."
Amendment II
We reserve the right to dislike your friend's husbands.
We promise to give the guy a fair shot, but when he starts acting like a moron, we can no longer authorize events with that family. And yes, wives have the same freedom to blackball when the tables are turned. It doesn't mean we like your friend any less, it just means that in her haste to have a big, fancy wedding, she chose a jackass that we don't want to spend our rare time off with. Listening to stories about how "wicked" he was on the French horn in his bitchin' ‘80s band is just too much.
Amendment III
We have the right to have a few things of ours in the house.
Everything we hold near and dear to us shouldn't all be in the garage. While we understand that our framed KISS concert poster might not make it on the living room wall, at least throw us a bone. The scene in "Juno" where Jason Bateman realized that everything he held near and dear was in a 200-square-foot room was a gut-shot to us all.
Amendment IV
We have the right not to be scolded by you.
We are your husbands, not your children. We don't mean to track dirt onto the carpet or get chips on the couch, but it's not like we just got a lap dance. Don't treat us like your children and we'll do our best not to act like them.
Amendment V
We have the right to teach our sons how to burp and fart.
Sharing bodily functions with our offspring is as much about life as it is about jokes. It's also something that can help brings kids and dads together. Believe me, kids and guys always laugh at farts—that's how we're wired. And we're not talking about being totally gross and inappropriate. We vow to teach them that there is a time and a place for behavior like this—and that the early service at Church is not one of them.
Amendment VI
We have the right to teach our children how to defend themselves.
Fighting is barbaric, terrible, and scary. But it's also part of growing up. We want our kids to be able to get out of a bad situation, not be bullied, and be able to take care of themselves. One of the plus sides of learning how to take care of yourself is that the more you know, the less you have to use it. Teaching our offspring how to defend themselves in a scary world is one of the basic duties of a father.
Amendment VII
We have the right to as much reading material in the bathroom as we need.
Sometimes we're in there a while, we can't help it. And no, we're not hiding … most of the time.
Amendment VIII
We have the right to watch the big game.
We care too much about our teams. We know it's not rational, but it's who we are. No one can explain the love men have for their teams, but you may as well embrace it because that love will not die. If you don't believe this, just remember the Boston Red Sox had the most loyal fans in sports and didn't win a World Series for 86 years.
Amendment IX
We have the right to the remote when we're on the couch.
This is something that's in our DNA. We know it, and you know it. If there's any doubt, watch us surf at top speed while knowing if a show is worth watching after stopping on it for .2 seconds. It's a thing of beauty.
Amendment X
We have the right to still use chivalry.
Yes … we know women are strong and independent, and we dig that. But allow us to open the door for you, or give up a seat and act like a gentleman once in a while. The world will be a better place because of it.
Craig Playstead is a freelance writer and happily married father of three living in the suburbs of Seattle. In the past he's also been a sports writer, online editor, and talk show host. You can reach him at playstead@hotmail.com.

Donating feels good :).

2008-04-15T16:08:00.003-05:00

Last week, I saw a version of this story on the T0DAY show. And I thought to myself – WOW - they are right. (Love articles that validate a good thing.) It feels good to do something for others.

So I donated here and here.

Both causes are near and dear to my heart. If you feel inclined, I invite you to do the same.

Feel good while doing something good.

Wondering

2008-04-15T14:20:00.002-05:00

I may be kicking a gift horse in the mouth (Who made that phrase up?). But, why do you read me?

I have a stat counter and am always baffled as to why people read. When I was deep in the trenches - I could understand. I had something to say. Now, I think I'm boring. My thoughts are so far different. And I am often at a loss at what to post. OK, so I guess I would appreciate some delurking. And honest answers. Maybe I can spice this thing up a bit. My blogging habits have been very poor this year.

On other news....

T has gotten back from Argentina. He had a fabulous time and is trying to convince me to buy a place there. The poor man is dilusional. Love him to pieces, but CRAZY! Where does he think we have extra money?

While he was away, I did the following:

1. All Spring cleaning.
2. Collected 6 trash bags of clothing for donation.
3. Ton of shopping. (I guess some good deeds are rewarded!)
4. Started to shred old paper work. (Yeah I don't think I need receipts from 2002.)
5. Transfered savings accounts to a high yield online bank - becoming addicted to transferring money into savings.

It was a very productive time. But, I am very glad that T is home. I missed my sweet.

The Damage

2008-04-09T14:10:00.002-05:00

Well ladies, since I dragged you into my quest, I think I should notify you of my loot. Everything was on sale!

The loot: 3 pairs of jeans (Mavi, DKNY, and Seven), pair of sneakers, 3 pairs of khakis, a purse, and 6 tops.

I think I'm not allowed to go shopping for a long while. Good thing that this is unusual for me.

So much for not owning designer jeans...but when they were on sale and cheaper than no name brands...it was hard to pass up on the deal!

Distractions

2008-04-03T14:20:00.003-05:00

T has gone on his boy's vacation to Argentina. So what is a girl to do? I went shoe shopping. Actually it was unintentional. I went to P*yless at lunch and struck pay dirt (three pairs). I love cute flats. Perfect for work in my very casual office.

So, a question for you ladies/gents. (Not discriminating - I'll take all the help I can get and from anyone.) I am in desperate need of new jeans. And the ones I swore by (J. Cr*w) are no longer working or that they are just worn (too many washes). But, since the internet has helped me in the past, I thought I'd ask you all. What are your favorite brands for jeans?

Especially if you are 5 feet 9 inches, average weight, with no hips, and plenty of butt (baby got back!). :)

Thank you in advance for your help!

How my mind works.

2008-03-28T13:47:00.002-05:00

I spent the morning thinking and worrying about taxes. T and I go tonight to get them done and I can’t help but feel that we will get screwed again. Last year felt like a big waste of money. And I have the receipts to prove it.

When I came across Pam’s entry, that has a bit about grieving the biological bond of adoption. And it got my mind rolling about the topic which I’ve been trying to avoid – adoption.

Every time I stumble upon a post about adoption, it haunts me in a way. I want to post or may be it is that I need to post. Mostly because I know that I need to sort my feelings out. But every time I start to put things down, I realize how much I’ve changed since infertility, and it was not all for the better.

The biggest change is my view on adoption for myself. When I look at it from the outside, I think it is admirable on both sides. The birth parents and adoptive parents are equally honorable people. Both are making huge decisions for various reasons. And I admire the whole process. I also acknowledge how much work is involved to be approved and to parent.

And even as recent as October of 2006, I looked at our situation and thought that adoption could our solution. It obviously has better odds than IVF. When you realistically only have money for one or the other…it seems to be the most logical.

But, then Bobby died and then my Grandfather. And more and more I missed them. I realized how badly I wanted that biological connection. Hearing T talk about his father – no doubt that he would love to see his father in his child. The fact that when I imagine our child, I always have them reminding me of their father, grandfathers, grandparents, cousins and everyone else who may have passed but was still in my heart.

The yearning of that biological connection has overpowered my want of a child.

Until I can get over that want, I don’t think adoption is an option for us. I know that if T pushed for it, I would succumb and probably be very happy with that decision.

Also, I wonder if my feelings (although triggered by loss) have been increased because of my parents and family. None of my relatives have been adopted. I come from very large families (one of 21 grandchildren on one side and one of nine on the other). For the most part, my family are full of fertile individuals. The few relatives (four total – 3 second/third cousins and 1 first cousin) that have not been able to conceive have chosen to remain childless.

I wonder?

If the thought that I would be breaking ground **AGAIN** holds me back? To be frank, it hasn’t been easy to break ground with my family. I don’t get emotional support from them. And I worry how they would react to an adoption. I worry how they would behave around my adoptive child. If they could/would accept my adoptive child?

I am painting an ugly picture, I don’t mean to. I’ve learned a long time ago, that I cannot change them and only accept them as they are. Unfortunately, I know their limitations, as well as, I know their lack of filters between their heads and mouths. I know that they are prone for inappropriate comments. It worries me what may be said.

My head is completely confused, my heart has full of fear, no wonder I have no idea what to think. This option is mind boggling for me.

How I wish I could just drink a bottle of wine, have a romp with my husband, and wait 91/2 months. Oh well, I am not one of the lucky.

Easter 2008

2008-03-21T13:14:00.001-05:00

Last year in anticipation of Easter I wrote this post.

It is funny what a difference a year makes. Last year, I was anxiety ridden over an invite to a friends’ home because I didn’t know how to answer the questions. This year, I could careless if they ask the question. Now, I have such a different knee jerk reaction. I will gladly answer it – truthfully.

“Oh we tried for years. We tried medications and procedures. No, we haven’t tried IVF. Mostly because I was not emotionally ready to go thru that procedure. We’ve decided to take a year off. We are trying out “living childfree.” And right now it seems to fit nicely. We will see how it goes.”

And if they have more questions, I have answers now.

Maybe my new found confidence has come from two separate incidents. Let me tell you about them.

Scene: New Year’s Eve. We were at T’s best friend’s home that he shares with his wife (my friend K) and four children. Another couple was there with their youngest. The conversation went like this:

Woman: How long have you two been married?
Me: Five years.
Woman: Do you have children? (Accompanied with look of judgment.)
Me: We tried for about three years.
T: Now, we are trying to see how life would be without kids.
Woman: Oh. (Look of horror.)
Me: (Serves you right.)

Scene: T’s Grandmother’s deathbed. T’s cousin (a new father to a 10 month old boy) came to pay his respects and begins to boast about his son. He turns to T and asks so when will you two try?

T: We did, for a long time.
C: Oh, how long?
Aunt: Did you try IVF?
Me: Three years. We did everything but. It is the next step procedurally.
T: We are taking the year off. And we will figure out what we want to do then. IVF, adopt or live without children.
Aunt: But you never know, you’re young.
Me: We have less than 0.02% chance conceiving naturally.
Aunt: Oh. (Looking at me with horror.)

I guess, I am at the point where I almost want people to ask the question. So that I can be honest, and make them feel as uncomfortable as they make me feel. This isn’t the nice side of Dianne. Oh well!

On that note, enjoy your Easter Holiday. And may it be full with love, blessings, and holiness.

Update

2008-03-19T12:44:00.002-05:00

Erin asked for me to share. The truth is I don’t feel like I have much to share, and at the same time so much.

It is really my mind set that is changing. During TTC, EVERY decision was preempted with the question “What if I’m pregnant?”

As a result, we never would have booked a trip 10 months and a year away. I would of considered it a gamble. We actually passed on a trip to Italy, offered to us the first month we were trying and I still regret not going. It has been 31/2 years, and I still have that regret.

So since this is the year is turning into the year of refocusing, I thought I’d give some updates on my new year’s resolutions too:

1. The Business. The name, policies, and the logistics are complete. Currently, I am completing my samples. And it is taking me a while longer than I expected, because I am a bit of a perfectionist.
2. Gym: I’ve failed miserably. Between crazy work hours and being sick for most of the month of February – I haven’t made it as much as I wanted to. But, hoping that I will be able to really get into this soon.
3. Zone Diet: I have started to reintroduce it, but I have nothing to show for it. I think this is because I need to really get to the gym!
4. Finances. We’ve refinanced and consolidated. Made arrangements for better savings. It is coming together.

And for a little bit more random, I have an update on my Acne post. Well, the product I started back in November was OK, but it left me with some acne. It obviously wasn’t the perfect solution.

Ellen, about a month back ago did a meme that boasted about Pr*activ. I had always shied away because I have dry skin. But, then I started hearing an add for their Green Tea Moisturizer, so I thought what do I have to loose?

I have been using the stuff for about a week today, and all of the acne I had is vanishing, as well as, my blackheads. I wish that I had done a before shot, because it is really amazing.

Ultimately, things are going well :).

My Selfish Phase

2008-03-13T13:05:00.000-05:00

When we first started to conceive, my first impulse was to talk to my friend S. She and her husband were married a few months before T and I. I tried to convince her that it may be time for her and B, to start trying.* See, I didn’t want to go down the road of parenthood alone. S turned to me and said, “I’m still in my selfish phase.”

To be honest, I didn’t understand the answer. “Selfish phase” I rolled it around my head and filed it away. Well, because we were going to be parents. I had something to plan for. I couldn’t be selfish. I had to prepare for the maybe baby.

I laugh at myself now. See, I had a plan of what a parent should be like. It was a combination of my own imagination and my own parents’ examples. But, it was an idea that my life is not my own. It is for my child. And once we started to conceive, I started to live my life that way.

Everything I did was for the maybe baby. The car I drive is a mommy’s car. My job could always be reduced hours and is near my parents. Two of the main reasons I took the position six months in to trying to conceive. It was chance that I really like my job. (Thank G-d!) Everything I did with the intent of “when we have children.”

During the three years of trying to conceive, we took breaks. But, they were breaks with hope. Of still monitoring ovulation and hoping against hope that it would happen by accident – al naturale. Those breaks were still full of anxiety, monitoring, and wishing. I was never able to find my sanity or self.

This break, with the help of the pill, is the only time that the “if” is out of the equation. It has been the only time which I have been able to breathe, regain my sanity and focus. I feel like I am regaining myself. The self before trying with knowledge of infertility.

That knowledge is what makes me feel more comfortable in this stage. Life without children, well, it has advantages and I am starting to like them. I am starting to do things for myself, for us, without the thought of what if. Taking the “if” out of the equation has brought me a great sense of security, peace.

I think I am entering my selfish phase.

But, I don’t think I will ever want to leave it. I know what lies in wait for me, if I leave it. I worries me, how comfortable I am becoming.

*S and B are the proud parents of a beautiful little eight month old girl.

Spring is in the air.

2008-03-11T15:12:00.000-05:00

First thank you for your condolences. Nan, was a wonderful person and she will be missed very much. She is also the first person that I thought looked BEAUTIFUL at her wake. And knowing her, she would of loved that!

For the last few days, it has been super sunny here. Still cold, but sunny. And I am most definitely getting Spring fever. T goes away to Argentina soon, and I am devising a plan in how to clean the apartment from top to bottom while he is away. I am getting giddy at the thought of it! (I know I am a very sick woman.)

Also exciting, we have two vacations booked! One in December to Aruba with T's family. And the other next Spring to Jamaica. There may be a third to Las Vegas in September as well. My fingers are crossed that work will be slow enough for me to take time off. Oh I can't wait!

There is more going on, and I will post a meaningful post soon. It seems that my brain has started to turn off infertility, and turn on good things (for the most part). And I kind of like it that way.

February

2008-02-28T13:07:00.002-05:00

It has been a rollercoaster of a month.

I won EE*Y for my department, and for the Corporate group.

T and I both got the flu. And were out sick for a whole week. We are still recovering from the cough portion.

Lastly, T's Nana died on Wednesday. She was a strong, fiesty, and determined woman. Widowed very young, she raised her three daughters and son alone. Over the years, I've gotten to know her and find a deep respect for her. (Unfortunately, she was never able to hear me - my voice is in the wrong octave.) She will be very missed.

Who me?

2008-02-15T14:49:00.003-05:00

I've been busy. All good things. But busy.

For the past couple of weeks I've been planning and putting together samples for my Calligraphy business. I've started a site and ordered business cards! (I'll share the site once it is more put together.)

On Saturday, I took a refresher class. Actually during the class my teacher was very encouraging. I told her that I had been doing this for about six years, but that I wanted to take a class to be sure I was doing it right. By the end of the class, she was telling me I could teach the class. Who me? Never thought of teaching, but if the opportunity comes up, it would be fun. Guess what, the woman who heads the various programs called me this week. Not sure if this an opportunity knocking or her calling to tell me that I forgot to pay for something. :) We keep on playing phone tag.

Then on Wednesday, we have our empl*yee of the year awards announced. Guess who won? Yeah, I did for my larger group. The C*mpany wide empl*yee of the entire company announcement happens later - I doubt it. Still I was shocked and very flattered. I got to read some of the nice things my fellow co-workers had to say about me and I was very overwhelmed.

It is just really nice to be noticed.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

2008-02-14T16:46:00.001-05:00

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

I hope you have a wonderful day and are surrounded by those that love you and you love!

The Flip Side

2008-01-30T15:12:00.000-05:00

Thank you for your comments on that last post. And for the huge insight. I hadn't completely realized that I was grieving in those moments. I know, duh? I never said I was the brightest bulb in the pack.

I realized that for the past two years, from the moment I heard the doctor say, "You are clearly not ovulating." I've been grieving. And many of those thoughts and feelings have made it on to this blog. So I was surprised when I realized that I wasn't done yet.

Actually, looking from the outside, I am justified in feeling that way. Considering, besides you all and my therapist, I've never been given permission to grieve.

On Mel's Friday Blog Roundup she mentioned Julia from I Won't Fear Love and this beautiful post. It may sound silly, but I wish that my religion allowed for a period of grieving such as Julia described. It must be validating and comforting that you are given permission to grieve to mourn. That to me must be invaluable. But, alas, I am sure her Jewish religion (like my own) wouldn't allow me to grieve the idea/dream of my fertility. Well, since I've never been pregnant, I technically don't have a person to grieve, just the idea of it all.

But, I am digressing. Since the point of this post is to say, that those moments are just that moments.

For the most part, I am very happy with our decision to stop treatments. I am mulling the thought of living childfree, and for the most part, it feels right. I feel comforted especially after a chaotic holiday with kids and my husband running around, or a really loud interaction with a friend's family with four kids. For the most part, I leave those situations and think, maybe I wasn't cut out to be a Mom.

I kind of like:

the quiet.
to wake up when I want.
to go on vacation to where I would like and on my own schedule.
not to worry that I have to work this weekend.
my freedom.

In those moments I look more closely and realize that I like the life we have. And after replenishing our savings. Getting to a point that I am comfortable financially - since the treatments and my search for a change have left us looking for refuge. And be able to live the life I want to live.

Like:

be able to fullfill my top ten travel spots. (Italy, Israel, Hawaii, Australia, Alaska, China, Japan, Fuji, Russia, and South Africa)
buy a sports car.
be able to save for a retirement home, since we won't need a huge house and we can buy a smaller primary home.

All of those things, well, they make me happy.

Now that I am just focusing on my plan B - it isn't that bad. I know that I am far from determining what that exactly will be, but I have started to mold it. All I will say for now, it has possibility. And it that is good.

Moments

2008-01-23T13:02:00.000-05:00

A few moments to myself...and a thought that won't leave me, hoping I can remove it by placing it here.

For the most part the decision to stop treatments has been good. It has allowed me to focus on other things. Life. You know the things I have and enjoy. And allowed me to forget all the self imposed silly things I did to help myself get pregnant (one caffeinated drink a day, sleeping only on my left side, not drinking or eating anything that I didn't know what it was, etc.). Forget the daily draws, shots, worries of not enough eggs, or not enough sperm. If that twinge was it. All of my neurosis seem to have stopped with the end of treatments. I feel more me; ballanced, calm, and clear minded.

But then I have my moments of wondering if we have done the right thing...

Moments when I am walking in to the hospital to see a friend and her new baby and my chest constricts. I start thinking breath. It will be all right. You want to see so and so. You want to see the new baby. You hold the baby. And see your husband looking at you. Tears are on your mind and yet they are not allowed.

Moments when you go to see your husband's grandmother in the nursing home. When you see how miserable she is, because she has alienated every child she has. And you think that her life would be so much happier if she decided to be happy, if she didn't fight so much. You realize that you will be in a nursing home. And there will be no one to visit. I will have to remember my own advice, you have to choose to be happy.

Moments when you go and visit with friends and their kids. Kids who call you Aunt and your husband Uncle. Kids that you would give your right arm for. And you look over and your husband is reading to the three year old.

Moments when your heart breaks because what you want most isn't happening and wont happen unless more treatments become the plan. Moments that you should be happy and for the most part are, but you always have to fight tears on your way home. Because you are happy for their blessings, you love their blessings, but you still want your own.

I'm Elmo. (Something fun and cute while I am away at work.)

2008-01-18T16:09:00.000-05:00

My friend Joei sent me this cute email. And I thought you would all like to play.

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character.

Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test.

Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results.

Do not cheat by looking at the end of the post before you are done.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts.)
e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt)

5. What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)

8. What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween (1 pt.)
b) Christmas (3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts)
b) Spain (5 pts)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
d) Hawaii (4 pts)
e) Hollywood (3 pts)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts..)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!

(10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, easy going, and you
definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you are never are out of style You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.

(24-28 points) You are Elmo: You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!! Change the subject of the email to what you are and send it on.

'A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words'

CRAZY BUSY!

2008-01-15T16:26:00.000-05:00

I am so sorry for abandoning you all. I haven't had any time to read or write. And I had such great posts brewing about my trip to the nursing home, my various thoughts on my blog, etc.

But, instead what you have been getting is snow (at least up here in New England) because life here has been nuts! Working 12 hour days and weekends. I've been issued the loaner laptop indefinitely. I am hoping that it will all end soon, but with that I am fearful of what will becoming. A topic I'd love to talk about, but can't.

Work has gotten in the way of all my New Year's resolutions - especially going to the gym and starting the new business! But today, cross your fingers, I may actually be able to go to the gym. For some reason I have a lot of anxiety that could be let go of on a treadmill!

Oh some good news (before I get back to work) I got the results for my eyes. (I did make it to the eye doctor.) The left 20:15, and my right 20:20 with the potential to get better since it is still healing! So, my eyes are better than I ever expected. Very thrilled with it all.

Wishing you well, and hoping to have some time soon to catch up with you all.

Resolutions

2008-01-02T15:34:00.000-05:00

At the start of every year, I look at myself and try to figure out how to be/do better.

Last year was the year I was attempting to do everything I could to have a baby. And looking at myself I realized I desperately needed to learn how to relax.

So, I started going to a therapist and yoga. The therapist helped by giving me a place to vent. But once we stopped with treatments, well there wasn't much for me to say. Thru out our sessions I repeated "I just want to be OK, if the answer is no." Well, the answer was no, I haven't crumbled, so I guess I'm OK. As a result I stopped going. Not a reflection on her. But I needed to move on. Since our only conversation was on treatments and my feelings on those treatments. I just didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Yoga on the other hand was a resolution that I intend to stick to. Out of 52 weeks, I only missed 8. Not bad when you consider I missed classes mostly for being ill. Heck, I even went to classes on my vacation. It is something that completely relaxes me. The breathing calms me so, I have done breathing exercises at the RE, in the car, before I go to bed, basically anytime my brain is going a hundred miles a minute or I am EXTREMELY stressed. It has become a way of life. As an added benefit, I've also strengthened my back and suffer from less back pain.

As a result, I now know that resolutions are not for not. Sometimes, they actually can be a huge benefit. As a result, I'm making a few more for 2008 and I thought I would share them with you:

1. Starting the Calligraphy business.
I've already come up with a name, looked into websites, priced out business cards, and thought of an icon. Also, I've found some classes to brush up as well as increase my talents.
2. Gym.
In hopes of loosing some weight and regaining my bikini body. Hahaha. I've never had one in my opinion, but looking back I know that I did have one. Isn't it funny how prospective changes? So the goal remains the same as late last year, to loose about 10 to 15 pounds. Thanks to the holidays, I've gained back every last bit that I lost. Oh well.
3. Reintroducing the Z@ne diet.
See above for reasoning.
4. Organizing our finances and start to seriously replenish our savings!
Need I say more, after last year - our finances are in serious need of help! But luckily it can be corrected.

Ultimately 2008 is looking like a very busy year! It is also the first year in four that a baby is not a goal or part of any reason to do the above. Amazing what refocusing can do.

Reflecting on 2007

2007-12-31T13:24:00.000-05:00

For some reason this time of year leaves me reflecting on the past year. 2007 was the year I was desperately trying to change and every change hit a speed bump which caused everything to remain the same. (You know, wanting to have a baby and getting negative after negative. Trying to sell our condo and having to take it off the market because of our bad timing.) And the things that did change, well weren't that great - Adeus Avo. It is the year of continued stagnation and more loss.

But it also was the year that brought me a new brother-in-law. So it can't be marked as a complete bust.

As I look forward, 2008 brings more promise. And maybe only good change will happen.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A Winter Wonderland

2007-12-21T09:39:00.000-05:00

If you can't beat them, join them. I am not a huge fan of the snow, but currently I live in a place that has been getting a lot of it. So, in honor of my winter wonderland, I felt a need to change the look of my blog.

My last few Christmas Holidays, I felt the same way. If you can't beat them join them. I was apprehensive and cautious about the child filled holiday. But this year, I didn't have that nervousness or ba hum bug feeling. (Although I did and do prepare for the panic attacks that always happened in my car ride home at this time.)

Instead, I've been singing in the car. Looking forward to my baking for my little guests and T (who is a big child). I've been delighted in the gifts that we have bought, and I can't wait to see if they are liked. I sent cards, although a little late.

We took it easy. We didn't even put up a Tree. But, I will be getting my Nativity scene up. Only the little ones and my parents got actual gifts; everyone else gift certificates. (Although T and I got each other some gifts.) And we are throwing a small get together but ordering most of the food. Ultimately, so far it has been a great holiday season.

As the next few days will be the most busy. I'd like to wish you all a very happy and merry holiday! And a peaceful, healthy, and charmed New Year!

Cooking

2007-12-13T12:18:00.000-05:00

I will start off by saying that I am not a natural cook. You know the people who throw a little of this and a little of that and get a magnificent decadent dinner. I have plenty of these individuals in my family, the hubby, my mom, and my sister.

I am a natural baker. Following directions and being precise are both inherent in me. (Probably why I was good in Chemistry.) And cooking is a challenge. Since 2007was the year of facing challenges, I resolved to cook more regularly. My goal was to cook two to three times a week with an occasional venturing out of my norm of a meat, a starch, and a vegetable.

The first three months, I was diligent, but a mix of delicious and debacles. A few immediate wins with myself and T were Meatloaf, Feta Chicken, and Salsa Chicken.

The debacles presented themselves in the Roast Pork in a Pan and mushy beef stew. Trust me, don’t put cauliflower in a stew until the very end.

During these adventures, I was cautious and followed the recipes to the tee. Luckily they were mostly successes. After a few months, I felt more courageous. T’s accolades helped me venture out, as well as, many of you.

Kimberly’s Mac and Cheese looked so good. I had to try. When I decided to make it, I sadly realized that I had forgotten the V*lveta and had to adapt. So, I got more adventurous and decided to try this recipe instead (also from Allr*cipes). (It came out so well, that I think I’ll be making it for T’s little cousins for Christmas Eve.)

This need to be creative, gave me more courage to be adventurous, a few weeks ago I tried Chicken Cordon Bleu. Now, this is a recipe that always intimidated me. Complete bravery is what inspired me. After all, I hadn’t had any serious debacles since January. Bravery was and is a new feeling to cooking. I took a deep breath and went to the grocery store. The deli clerk told me about how he uses rosemary ham and K*rry Gold Iris Swiss Cheese. I got further inspired and added a tsp. of rosemary and ground mustard to the bread crumbs. It was scrumptious, before I realized T had four pieces. (Thinking of making these bit sized and serving them for Christmas Eve too.)

Writing this post made me realized how apprehensive I was about cooking and how my resolutions this year really helped me gain some comfort in the kitchen. Next year, I will be taking some cooking classes. I found a class that goes on every couple of months. It is a new adventure that I’m personally looking forward to.

**I'm sorry that I don't have any photos of my own creations. My digital camera has been out of sorts - I've actually asked for a new one for Christmas. And my cellphone doesn't have one. (I can hear the gasp from here :).) Hopefully in the next few months I'll become more technology savey. Looking forward to getting a new cellphone too!

May I have a cookie?

2007-12-07T16:21:00.000-05:00

I have been swamped and completely overwhelmed with all of my work that I haven't had time to read or write. I am sorry.

Lets put it this way on Tuesday I worked until 6:00pm, and Wednesday I was at work at 5:45 am and left at 5:30 pm. So I wasn't even out of the office for a full 12 hours before I worked 12 hours!

My job is customarily a 9-5 special. And I know how spoiled I am, but I am not used to working 12 hours straight with out lunch. Goodness!

So, I promise to write about cooking, yoga, the holidays. I think that was what one out. I'll probably write about everythign else as many of you suggested. Thank you to you all that responded :), for some reason I get worried that no one will answer when I ask.

Off to the weekend....so looking forward to sleeping. Did I tell you have a terrible cold too? Thanks to a husband who refused to take care of his cold and decided to share. Ugh...really I am in a happy place :). Just sniffle and very, very, very tired!

Random Thoughts

2007-11-30T11:02:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying that Thanksgiving went well. It was quiet. And the days that followed were fantastic. We got to see some friends that we don't always get to see. The bonus was that we also got to see their kids too. It was fun.

But it also caused the knocking to start. And as a result, so many random thoughts have been coursing thru my mind. Ultimately, it has left me without the ability to write anything, since I don't know where to start. So, I leave it to you. Assuming, you are still there...what would you like to hear about?

1. Faces in the REs offices;
2. Jealousy/ The Haves and Have Nots;
3. Holidays;
4. Yoga and the Gym;
5. Cooking;
6. Perceptions; or
7. Your choice.

Hopefully someone answers :) and puts me out of my craziness.

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-21T12:00:00.000-05:00

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into
enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance,
chaos into order, confusion into clarity.
It turns problems into gifts, failures into
success, the unexpected i
nto perfect timing, and mistakes into
important events.
Gratitude makes sense of our past,
brings peace for today
and creates a vision for tomorrow.

by Melodie Beattie

Luggage

2007-11-16T16:58:00.001-05:00

Let me start off by saying, I fell positive and happy in our current situation. And to borrow a visual from Pamela Jeanne I feel like my baggage has been getting lighter. Maybe airport personnel are taking emptying them out. The items that have been going are all items they can keep: anger, bitterness, sadness, hopelessness, and grief.

These days I’m feeling free of those things and I feel great. I’m happy. On Tuesday a co-worker commented that I looked fantastic. She was attributing it to a new hair cut, the laser surgery and few days off. But, I know it was more than that, it was my feeling of peace and calm that I’ve found in the last few weeks.

This feeling started about three weeks after my first pill. It was the first time that I realized I had no idea what cycle day I was on nor did I care. The freedom only progressed. It was so liberating to know that I couldn’t get pregnant. It was power, because in three years it was the first time I felt the slightest bit of control over my body and my life.

Then the knowledge that we weren’t trying for a year started to sink in. But, it mostly was a great peaceful feeling of regaining my life. So, I joined a gym and remembered how good it felt to run on an elliptical and sweat. It felt so cleansing – it felt like I was ridding myself of all the toxins which formed in the last three years.

Taking this feeling to the next step, I’ve started to think about my life without the equation which had been burned into my head since childhood - when I have kids. Instead, I’m focusing more on T and I. And planning for my next step career wise, meaning what can I do to better myself in my career for the future? I’ve been looking into taking certifications, and how to better myself. Also, I’m mulling around the idea of starting a side business – Calligraphy. And looking at different programs to volunteer my time.

There is just so much I’ve put on hold. And it is liberating to feel as if I can branch out. It is like I’m realizing that I have the space to move and to spread out. I was so constricted by my infertility – so limited. I’ve been realizing how much the future has no limits.

Unfortunately, every time I think I’m completely free of those lost things, I get a knock on the door that they have found my lost item. So I am left holding the door with all my force and saying “I DON’T WANT IT BACK!”

I’m hoping that they loose my forwarding address.

I can see!

2007-11-07T19:28:00.000-05:00

So, the laser surgery went very, very, very well. I go in tomorrow for my check-up and were they will remove the bandages (clear contacts) and give me my current vision. I can tell you it is perfect, if not nearly perfect. But substantially better than my -7.00 and -6.00 original vision. I'm really content.

But, I am late! Since I've been away from the computer, I missed something important! And if you all could help me redeem myself I would greatly appreciate it. Mel, at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters has been nominated for a special blog award. If you could find the time to click on this link and vote for her. Well, it would fantastic! Especially considering the national coverage this could potentially provide fertility patients. So please click and vote. Unfortunately, I'm a little late and we have until November 8th - tomorrow. So if you haven't and you have found this in time - please click. FYI, it is just in time to NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), let's increase IF/pg loss awareness by having our community win!

I can see the wonderful potential, can't you?

P.S. I'll be back next week. Celebrating our five year anniversary!

Interesting....very interesting.

2007-11-01T10:00:00.000-05:00

You Are The Moon

You represent the unconscious side of life, what happens in dreams.
You are capable of great genius - but also of great madness.
Emotions tend to be primal for you, both your fears and your fantasies.
Your intuition is always right, listening to it is the difficult part.

Your fortune:

You are about to embark on a very important journey - and a very difficult one.
Some of your deepest dreams will be realized, as well as some of your deepest nightmares.
Follow your creativity and visions; stay away from your weaknesses.
You are taking a voyage to the center of yourself, and you may be pleasantly surprised by what you discover.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Thank you

2007-10-31T14:38:00.001-05:00

Again, I am very grateful to you all. Still a little bit scared, but I know it is illogical. Actually, (looking shamefully into the computer) I called the doctor's office and asked. Permanently uncorrectible vision is less than one percent and loss of complete vision is less than that. So, I must look at the positive and learn to trust.

And this whole battle within is ironically funny since I can see it being good for me in so many levels. Because this procedure has a potential to give me a little more confidence in my body. That it is possible for it to do something correctly. To help me learn to trust it again.

No matter how much I fear loss of control, I fear my body just as much. This procedure causes both of these neurosis to come up. Not to mention, that it requires me to trust a Doctor. Goodness, no wonder I am so freaked out. It isn't like I have the naivete of pre-RE. I can't say that I am as trusting as I once was when it comes to the medical community. Learned thru that experience, it is my responsibility to be the aggressive and knowlegeable patient.

This surgery is something that I should absolutely do. It is something that would be stupid for me not to do, especially if FEAR is the reason for not doing it (not to mention control or trust issues). Honestly, fear can be good, so can control, and skeptisism. But, irrational anything well is irrational. All of these feelings baffle me.

Granted, I've never been a risk taker, but I don't know if I've ever been this irrational about something. When I ONLY know of good out comes. When I know the chance is so small of something going wrong. When the good out weighs the bad.

Experience changes us and hopefully this experience will be so positive that it will be spring board to get rid of the irrational. For more positive change. Change, for the most part, I really like change. More on that later.